
Qass_ 
Book- 



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^^23 






"WHUN LIGHTITIKG STRIKES." 



A COLiEDY DRAIiA IN ]?OUR ACTS 



BY 



1 R C N 1 E P F I 7T G ^ E L L, 



CC P Y R I G H T E D 1911. 



BY 



ALTDX. EYERS. 



NOTE. 

Under the new copyrighted law the rights of production 
of a play are not secured by the purchase of a manuscript of it, 
and copying of a copyrighted play, and sale of copies of it, 
are offences punishable by fin© and if done ?/ilfiilly by im- 
prisonment. 

Por manuscripts of this play, and rights to produce it, 
applj"^ to. 

THE CHICAGO MAiroSCRlPT. , 

431 >T. CLARK ST., 
CHICAGO, ILL., 






^Cl.D 25243 



I ^Wlimi LICrHTMIECr STRIKF2" 

I A Comedy Drama in ?our Acts 



/ l3y 

«r 

MIROH LEF^IKQPTRLL* 

Cast. 

"Dicky" Bird' '^■^o has Just left Yale. 

John Hayward ■ Back from Idaho. 

I-elham Haynes- A Leading Citizen* 

Ed.v,rard Middleton "An *'Unde sir able » " 

Silas Screwhy -Old Tight Wad §1, 

Jere Blossom A Sleuth, 

Mary Hanes ■ A Moaarn Cinderella,-. 

71orence Her Half sister; 

Rose Summers Mary's Spinster Aunt. 



SYHOISIS 

Act 1:- 

Lihrary and reception room in the Haynes llansiono 

Act 2:- Garden and grounds cf the Hayne's ITansion^ 

Act 3:- 

kiss Summers' Cottage, 

Act 4:- 

Same as Act 1. Lihrary in the Haynes' iianslon. 

Scene:- A small town in the 2.1iddle West., 
Time: — The Present, 

oooOOOOOOOooo 



Act IPirst. 
SCEeE: — Library and reception room in the Haynes' ICansion. 

Diagram 




-t^XI-LABATlOE 

(I) Arch R<rU. steps leading tip to saiae . I-latform riinning off R. 

Interior Backing, (2) Large French windovsr C. with curtains 
drawn "back. (3) Door L.U.il, ohliqued. Interior hacking. (4) 
Door R.3.E. (5) Door R,2.E. Interior hackings, (o) Large fire- 
place -with grate. (7) Handsone desk R. (S) Large library tahle 
with chairs. (9) Handsome divan C. (lO) Arm chair "by fireplace. 

(II) Book cases and cahinets. 3-ictures on walls, one with wire 

to hreak. Ornamental a^d "irons" and scuttle with coal ornanental 
furniture. On the tahle down R. thre are hottles, drinking glasses 
emply sjT^hons, cigar hox, half smoked stumps of cigars and playing 
cards scattered. Some of the cards have fallen to the floor, 
one of the chairs overturned. The roora is in a state of mild dis- 
order. 



- — oooOOOOOOOooo 



Act 1st, 

At rise:-- I'Jary id discovered with carjjst sweeper near fireplace. 
Slie vraars a gingham apron, sound ox "bussard hea,rd off L.U.E, 
Tiary ex2ts L.U.E. I-ause , ruuiuls of distant thunder heard, 

Mary 
(Ke- appearing) C->me in Aunt Eos- I Come in I (I'.ose SuLruners, a spin- 
star of uncertain age enters. She is dressed rather youthfully 
and liaries a coquetishness of m.anner with a griinness and sourness 
of spe«ch at times. ^ This visit is a surprise and a pleasure. 

Rose 
Eay"be, and then again, laayhs not. There's a storm coming up, and 
I didn't want my new hat to "be spoil ed^ 

JTary 
I can understand that, Aunty. It is most "becoming. 

Rose 
PlumphI I hope you mean what you say. (l-ausing hefore seating her- 
self on divan C.) 

I'lary 
I certainly, do Aunty o 

R^se 
I hope so, I should hate to think of you ray sister's child grow- 
ing up into one of those deceitful "cats". (Sniffing) I-hewI 
This roofl smells like a har-roo-a, or (CToughs) ^^lat I imagine a 
"bar-room would smell like^ The stale tobacco smoke nauseating, 
the peoria odor of alcfeoBiol reminiscent ofa joint session of 
the legislature and — (l-icking up several playing cards. Looking 
at them) licaves from the devil 'c5 hihle^ It seems to me, Mary, 
that an "orgie" has been taking place here. 

Mary 
Oh, I'll have it all clearned up in a minute. Aunty. (Gets waste 
"basket from under desk RoCommsnces to clear ta"ble of glasses and 
empty "bottles, placing them .an baskets) I'll open the window, 
and air the roomJ (Starts up sta-e. Distant thunder heard) 

Rose 
(Starts) ^ ■Ane awaj from that window. Don't open it« 

Mary 
Eh? (In surprise) ^y not, Aunty? 

Ro se 
Do you want to see me a gibbering maniac? You know I'm afraid of 
thunder and lightning, ^''ould you have me, your mother's sister 
expire before your very eyes T/ith l^ervous I-rostation? 

Mary 

I only wanted to "freshen" thingn up^ 

Rose 
Don't y:Ou get "too fresh" while I'm about, young Mxsi woraanl Answer 

me, who has d een guilty of this debanch?( Indicates table) 

Mary 
Well, you see, father -- 

Rose 
(interrupting her) rOiat , I-elham Haynes, empties all those bot- 
tles, 

Ma-ry 
Oh dear no, he had several guests, "I-r, liiddleton, and — 

Ro se 
Middleton? Kiamphi I ' -e no uso for that laan at all. 



Mary 
Then there ^.-as T^rr, -Rird, -who I understand is "boarding witla you« 

p.o se 
^at*? Mr, Bird? That innocent and unsophisticed child? Your 
father ought to he ashanied of h.iuseif endeavoring to corrupt the 
morals of "Diciy Bird" T??ho is only an ingenuous che uh , and whollj^ 
ignorant of all vice and has never ventured on the primrose path 
which leads to perdition. 

Mary 
Aheml T understand that "Dicky" "bird as you call him spent three 
years at Yale and was requested hy the faculty ot leave^ 

Rose 
The victim of a jealous conspiracy, no doubt. (Gushingly) ;^h , if 
you had looked into Dicky's eyes as I have done and have seen 
the light of truth, shining there. Ah, those eyes, those eyes 
which mirror his untatined and guileless soul. Ah, me I (sighsj 
But your father old in dissipation shall not lure this innocent 
from the paths of rectitude ^ if I - Rose Sum;r.-aers can prevent it. 

Mary 
Aunt Rosy, don't speak ill of my father;. 

Rose 
Hovv can I speak wen of him? once the richest" man in towi , ¥/hat 
position does he hold now? His once ample .fortune almost complete- 
ly scattered by his extravagance and wild speculationso 

Mary 
father never pretended to he a man of "business, hut he ' s a good 
man for all that^ Try in justice Aunty, to forget his faults 
when you contemplate his virtues o 

Rose 
Virtues? ^iddlesticksl Justice? Piffle | jf j-eiham Kaynes ever 
gets what's coming to him, when he leaves this sinful world, he 
won't have any use for winter under clohheSo It makes me hoil 
all over when T think hs'w he treated your poor mother, and how 
he is treating you. 

Mary 
%y he doesn't ill treat me, Aunty. 

Rose 
Does he treat you as he treats your half sister, Florence? -"^is 
child hy his second marriage? Here you are doing house maid's 
work and she's, always on the "gallivant," She flirts around in 
Paris frocks, and wearing "sinful™ hats, and you're done up in 
a gingham apron. You're Cinderella and Trlorence is the Q,ueen of 

She-ba — 

Mary 
Somebody has to do the work, Aunty, You kn-J'" we liave no servant 
now, 

Ro se 
Why haven't you , tell me that? 

Mary 

Whji we have to economize, you know we owe a lot of mon^y 'and — 

Ro s e , ; 

n\»/e?w "We" owe a lot of mon^, don't talk to me of "v/e", i knov/ 

the whole state of affairs. This house is mortgaged from cellar 

to roof. It*s talked of all over town, oltl Screwby has commended 

fore-closure xoroceedings , a pretty state of affairs, you're all 

facing up. There's your fathsr facing :?inancial ruin, knows 

nothing about i^oaaeyks except hov7 to throw it away. Tliere's that 

butterfly Florence your half sister -- 



3-E 

Mary 
Eo more aliout Florence, Aunty^ She's very dear to me. (J-elham 
enters R-3«E, stands listening) 

Rose 
(Sniffs) The empty headed doll ■vroiild Toe a "dear" investment to 
anyone. She carrying on a flirtation with that Middleton fellow ^ 
a creatxire of your father's type, only worse, and now I've got 
t9 come to yourself c You have hsen meeting that John Hayward 
^o's just hack from Idaho to the mortification of all our friend. 
and scandal of the v/hole town.- 

Mary 
(DefiajntlyJ And what if I have met him? He loves me sincerely^ 

and I - I love him. 

Rose 
You love a murderer? 

Mary 
John is no murderer „ h® was acquitted "by a jury of his euals, 
who refused to believe the charge ard would not accept the manu- 
facutred and prejured evidence against himo 

Rose 
Lots of people here in his home town heli-ve him guilty = 

Mary 
That is because they're heartless, cruel. They're like a pack of 
wolves who scent the blood of the wounded stage and trial him 
to his death. They point the finger of suspicion at John because 
he returns poor, because he's what they term a failure. He never 
was concerned in the assassination of Idaho's ex-governor = He 
was freed by the lav^ of the land. He lorotests his innocence 
before Qod and by the love he bears me« And by the love i bear 
him. I believe himo Wherever he goes, I am ready to go too, to 
cheer him in adversity, even if I have to give up all 't^s rest 
of the world beside. 

3-elham 
Very eloquent, but hardly practical, liary„ *' ou can't go against 
public Opinion^ A stigma has been placed on"John Ha,yward's char- 
acter, which can never beeffaced, I v;culd hardly care to receive 
the gentleman as a son-in-lavr. If you have been meeting him by 
surreptitiously, stop it and stop it at once, or you will compel 
me to use harsh measures. (Turns to Eos*) Crood evening Miss 
SuJiimers , somewhat of a surprise to find you here beneath my roof ^ 

Rose 
(Snappishly) I'm some what surprised to find myself here, 

Pe iham 
Yes, your visits like "angels" are few and far between. 

Rose 
There's not much of the angel about me,, 

3-eiham 
Yes, so I've alv^^ays observed. Clear a'^yay this truck, Mary, 
(tointing to basket containing bottles etc., Mary gets dust pan 
and brushes the cigar stumps, ashes etc„ intopan.. Picks up 
basket in one hand, carries pan in the other, about to exit R,.2oE) 

Pelham - 
Wait a minute I js there a drink left in any of these bottles? 
(Mary stops. Pelham as she ix exaiaining bottles, comes over to 
her impatiently ) » Oh, damn itl You'll take all night over ito 
Let me seel(H^ picks the bottles over, finds one) Ah, here's 



4-E 

ons i (Takes it and glass over to talole ) All rights you may go, 
(iiary exits R.2o-^.) 

I-eUian 
(l-ours out drink) Sorry there isn't more ^ or I'd asl; you to join 
me J Miss Slimmer s. 

Rose 
(Sniffs indignantly) You know I never trifle with the "demon^" 

I-elham 
I didn't know . It's been so long since I kept any cases on you, 
and I thought that with your advancing years", you might have 
"broken looge . 

Rose 
(Horrified) Broken loose? 

I-elhan 
Lots of old girls are "periodicals", Thsy stub their "toe" quite 
regularly. 

Rose 
(Half to herself) Ribald Ruffian I 

telham 
Your very good health, Rose! (Drinks) I5n-ahl I needed that, 
^ell, I guess I'm up for the day. 

Rose 
(Aside) Lazy beast I 

lelham 
Eh, what"'s that? 

Rose 
(Sarcastically) Do you usually begin your day at half past six 
in the evening? 

I-elhajn 
Eo , I generally TAait until half past eight, but Hary made such 
a noise in tidying up this room, that she awakened me, and I 
had a horrible night of it. Never saw such inferns.1 luck in my 
life. By the v/ay that young fellow living at your house ^ old 
"Sl^gfe "Tight ?fad Screwly's psrrtege" he ' s a "vulture," 

Rose 
What? I-elham Haynes , if you are referring to I'Ir„ Dicky Bird — 

I-e Iham 
Yes, he's a bird all right. 

Rose 
You are a wicked man to speak that way of an innocent "cherub" 
and after getting him to keep late hours, tempting him to drink.. 

}-elhan 
Tempting him *? (Laugh s) Hal Hal Ha! 

Rose 
And teaching him to ganible. 

J- e Iham 
Teaching him? Do you knov/ he carried off all the noney in the 
house last night? 

Rose 
I*m glad to hear it, but I venture to say what money he could 
carry away feoia this house now, wouldn't make him round shoulder- 
ed. You've brought your affairs to a pretty pass, I-elham Haynes. 
(Middleton comes do^m steps at back R..L\E. ) 

3- e Iham 
You'll pardon ne Rose Summers if I suggest that it's no business 
of yours what TI do with my own atfairs,. 



Rose 
Well, I'll mai:e it mine, vmon I see ray dead sister's child made a 
drudge by you and neglected; ^Mle you pamper Florence ^ your 
daughter by your second marriage^ 

I-eUiam 
Hold yx»ur tongue j 

Rose 
(Belligerent) You try and make me hold it, you just tryl It's 
your -Tavortism that you shovr Florence and your neglect of Kary 
that'y driving that poor girl into Jack Hayward's arms. She yearas 
for affection, -Trhich you -with hold from her « ^on't it be a beaut- 
iful thing if she should marry this man', who has been tried for 
his life and is discredit ed, and suspected by every ne here in 
his horae town? "hat would hsr poor mother say if she ^ms alive, - 
and thatbrings me to something else„ ^^hat has bee One of Fary's 
inheritance left her by my sister? Have you squandered that on 
yourself and [Florence? You v;ere made trustee of that fund^ What 
have you done with your money? 

T- -^.Iham 
None of your damned business. 

Rose 
Well, I'll just inake it my "damned" business^, Ilary's not of age 
and I'll have her throwi into chancery, probably you tell the 
court then it's none of their damned business, maybe and then 
again, maybe not. 

I-elham 
Leave my house c 

Ro s e 
I will and I'll throw Jfery into chancery„- 

I-elham 
Go throw yourself in the river and v'a.sh ofif your war paint.. 

Rose 
""far paint?" Ughl Y'-JU- vulgar villianous, venomous, viper I I 
scorn youl (Exits L.U„EJ 

Middleton 
(Coming down) And who is that "darn old lady? 

telham 
(Turns sha,rply) ObJ^. you are here ^ eh? 

Kiddleton 
Oh yes, and somewhat interested in what I le ard, js that bell- 
igerent old beauty a relative? 

I-elham - 
She's Mary's aunt, 

Middleton 
Oho'. I see, so Mary is an heiress, eli? -.ine girl, Mary, if she 
was properly f rocked and all that, I'v^ s-rt of neglected Mary. 

I-elham 
^hat are you driving at? 

Middloton 
Oh nothing in particular. 

I-e Iham 
You'd better speak out. I don't like ambiguous remarks, ^f you 
have anything on your mind, speali. 



Muddle ton 
I Willi (l-ause) Haynes , you and I are tv/o of a kind, ^■'e're an 
awful pair of four flushers. v^'-^ invited me here to your house 
iDecause you thi'ught I had money and ^ came h^re in the m33stG,ken 
"belief that you were weel fixed^ ^t appears vhat "both of us liv=^ 
"by our wits„ 

I- elham 
Do you mean to say you have deceived me ^ that you are pennilsss? 

Middleton 
Not yst , hut spOHo I never could unassisted pay the milliner's 
and dress making bills of plorence. That pretty butterfly's 
wings need a lot of gilding as you know. ITo?? I rather liks you -»•- 

I-elhacn 
(Sarcastically) oh, do you? 

Middleton 
And I wouldn't mind accepting you as a father-in-law, 

I-elliam 
Oh, you wouldn't? 

Middleton 
But Florence, in the light of devolopments- is entirely our of the 
question, i v/ouldn't wrpng her so much as to insist on her be- 
coming Mrs, Middleton. ^^ow Z-Tarys inheritance makes her look dif- 
ferent in w eyes and I trust you 'vVill see the advanta e on all 
sides of me trans furring my attentions to her. '^.hat do you say? 

I-e iham 
^''^at do I say? Why I say that, if I haclb't been^ credibly informed 
that your name was Edward Middleton ^ I would think I was listen- 
ing th "KSk NerTO , the ^fonk," And I will also further inforia you 
Ir^ttsx sir, that the sooner you take up your qi;..rters elsewhere ^ 
the better 1*11 be pleased. You - you - (About to swear, Kary 
enters R.2,E„She has doffed her apron) 

Middleton 
(Sees Mary) I implore you, T. Tr , Haynes , don't be violent , and 
don't use profanity in the presence of your innocent child:. (Mid- 
dleton' s assurance is toomuch for Haynes vfho starts and gasps 
and sinks into chair by fireplace, Mary corj.iences to gather up 
playing cards which are scattered all over floor) 

.Middleton 
Miss Mary, I hate to see you on your knees, let me pick these up 
fgr you, 

Mary 
Oh, I don't mind it at all, Mr ^ Middle tone 

Middleton 
Let me at least help you.. (Tails on knees , comiiiences to slovily 
gather up the cards. Middleton prolongs the business, he takes 
hold of the cards, Mary has already gathered and tries to take 
them from her « Im.ry resists good naturedly o Finally the cards 
fall on the floor again all scattered. Florence enters in the 
middle of the bus- , watches ITiddleton and Mary curiously and 
'.vhen he gathers up last card, she coughs) 

- Florence 
Aheml Hello Bed I "hat are you "up to"? i should say, "Dot^ti to?"» 

Middleton 

(Carelessly and indifferently) Good evening Miss Haynes I (HanL.s 
her pack of cards) j-ut these where they belong, won't you? 



7„E 

IPlorsnce 
I would ^Nifh pleasure J but I don't rememlDer what pocket you usual' 
carry them in, 

Middleton 
(j-ause) I don't understand yoUj Kiss Haynes» 

Plorence 
''hy aren't these cards the saiiis ones you showed papa last night 
and suggested that they he used in the ga3.ae where yju wers going 
to pick a bird of his feathers c. I sav^ and overheard you just as 
I TTas going up to ned^ 

I-elham 
Flossy, come here to me „ 

i?lor3nce 
Yes, papa! Ten me, Fed, of vrhat kind of bird were y-ju speaking? 

Middle ton 
'"!iat kind of bird? ^^y we thought he was a "dodo". He proved to 
be a cormorant, (The buzzard sounds) 

T- ^Iham 
fjihere's the buzzar , Kary. jf it's anybody except that infernal 
Scre'.7by, I'm not home «, 

Mary 
Yes sir. 

Middleton 
(Restraining Mary) "/ait a minute , Miss -fary , I-slham Hayn es , it 
mortifies m& exc-edingly to have reprove a man so siuch older 
than myself, but in this case, i must speak o 

telham 
(Gro''^ls) '^at the devil's the matter with you? 

Middleton 
(I»ompous ly) ^s it not' enougii to condemn your child to all the 
menial tasks of your household while her sister sits pacidly in 
Ijjxury and idleness, without saddling her pure and patient soul 
with deception and petty falsehood? If it isnecessary a lie 
should be told, I shall tell it c j win ans-'^-er the buzzar .my self ^ 
-Falsehood is foreign in my nature, but Mary shall be spared a 
guilty blush while I have power to prevent it, 

Mary 
Mr. Fiddleton, please let me go, don't make me disOeby my father „. 
(Breaks amay from him) 

Middleton 
If you insist Kary, answer the buzzar, but I will accompany yoUo 
Come, we will go together^ (Mary and Middleton exuent L,U,E,) 

I-elham 
Well, I'll be damned, 

PlorencG 
Papal 

1- elham 
I-ardonme, pet, but the insolence of that scoimdrelly puppy ex- 
asperates me so that leant pick my words* 

[Florence 

''^Jhat puppy, papa? 

le iham 
That Middleton per son i 

Florence 
Bed! My future husband a puppy] 

I-e Ihain 
He's a rank imposterj 



8-E 

Florence 
Oh papa.* To speak so of one who hopes soaeday to call you father. 

I-elhani 
If he ever calls me "father" I'll "boil him in oili He's here 
under false colors, the sneaking swindler 1 Your hushand , indeed,' 
Why, I*ail murder hin first, (ticks up "andiron." Shakes it.) I 
don't know what stopped me from hraining him 'vihere he stood. 
(Flourishes andiron.) 

Plorance 
I-apai I-apa.' Don't'. Don't.' (Dicky speaks outside) 

Dicky 
(Outside) Kr. Haynes not at hosne , eh? jn that case, I'll just 
drop in and see him. 

Kiddle ton 
(Outside) -put - hut — 

■nicky 
(outside) But - but don,t tell me to ""butt". I'm not a goat. On 
your way, "Desmo^^ate Desmond", I defy you, 

Florence 
Oh papa.' Here's some one, a stranger, j-ut that thing away, put 
it away, (To T-elham who is still flourishing the andiron.) 
You're frightening me to deathJ (Dicky enters L.U.. E„ carrying 
punching hag under one arm, set of gloves wrapped up under the 
other) 

Dicky 
i^Qaat is this? Beauty in distress? Fear nothing "angfl eyes", 
(Drops the hoxing gloves, puts right arm around her waist) I am 
"by your side. (She pushes him away and crosses to I-elham. ) Ths-t 
is, I'd like to he "hy your side. Ten me, you pea'h faced fash- 
ion plate, what has this venerable rough, neck "fe en trying to do 
to my preeiouB "Spinky ^'aukeo doodle bugs?" Tell ma, and j, 
"Dicky Bird" will tear him joint by joint and strew the hungry 
church yard with his aged limbs. 

}-elham 
Are you aware sir, that we are father and daughter? 

Dic]sy 
%at I DO you mean to say that you are his daughter? I mean (T<^ 
Florence) Cherry lips I Are you his father? 

Florence 
^''e are related, sir. 

Dicky 
(Mournfully) I-oor child ll-oor child I But don't abandon hope, you 
may not >^ e. tre only may have kidnapped you in infa.ncy and 
brou^t you up in ignorance of your true identity „ ^Iho gnows. 
History abounds in such mssteriss, t can se . no points of resem- 
blance between you. 

Florence 
Sir! ^%atever your name be — 

Dicky 
"Diclsy Bird", fairest of thy sex, and always at your command. 

Florence 
Well sir, I'll hava you understand that I know he is my father 
an I 'm proud of him. 

Dicky 
Abeml itts the -rise child that kno^s its ovm father. 



9-E 

I-elliam 
Come down to "business and stop all this fiddle f addle- What 
"brought you here? 

Di cky 
"Shank's mare." The other menas of conveyance in this "Benighted 
hurgh" are limited. 

I-elham 
And wl^ are you here? 

Dicky 
I am here, "because I'm here , because I'm here, 

te iham 
Weren't you told I T^as not at home, 

Dicky 

Oh yes, "but l know your servant was lying, so" I paid no attention 
to him. There's a "big 7;ind outside and i just "blew in," 

I-elhani 
My servant? (Enters L.U.E. ,,a,ry follov/s him) 

Dicky 
Yes, that fellow v;ho looks as if he played pool for a living and 
by the way, that reminds me, ICr. Haynes , you certainly had your 
assurance with you last night in inviting me to a gentleman's 
card game, and then ring in your coach nan, footman, valet or what 
ever hireling he may happen to be, to play agaisst us. I assure 
you, my_friend Screwby will be very much humiliated when he hears 
of it, _e will be here presently, j shall take pleasure in in- 
forming him of the slight put on his representative, j shall re- 
joice in the tears of anguish that v;ili roll do^m his ag4d cheek. 

Mid die ton 
If you are speaking of me as a servant let me tell you sir, I 
serve nobody. 

Dicky 
Nobody? Do you speak of my old friend Haynes as nobody? x.et me 
tell you fellow, Mr, Haynes is somebody , 

Pelham 
Middleton only serves the devil. 

Eicky 
The devil, wen begging the ladies' pardon, that is probably 
why he's a hell of a servant, 

I-elham 
Aheml These young ladies are my daughters, Mr. p.ird, Miss Plor- 
ance and Miss Mary. (Lusl Dicky grabs Florence's hand and shakes 
"it effusively) 

Dicky 
Miss Mary, j am charmed, ^rary was my mother's name» Grahd old 
name, Mary'. (Then he suddenly shifts hands holding on to S'lorence^ 
right hand with his L. pulls her over while he shakes Mary's hand) 
And this is Florence I I had an aunt named Plorence. isn't it 
strange ? 

Mary 
Yes, but I'm not Horence, 

Florence 
And I am not Mary. You've got us mixed, tt, ^irdo I'm piorence, 
and she, my sister is Kary^ 

Dic:^ 
(Still clinging to them) ^h, j see= (Looks from one to ths other) 
©h, vftiat an embarrassment of rides I How happy could I be with 
eyether. Were the dsotter dear charmer away. After all "what's in 
a name.'" That which vie call a rose by any other name would 



10-E 

smell as sv/eet. 

ICary 
(Releasing herself gently, licljy reaching after her^ vainly and 
dragging Florence with him) 

Kary 
(After ■bus) :"'r, -n, rd i . 

Dicky 
Eh? Oh, I don't mind if you call me "Dicky." 

Mary 
You v.'ere speaking of "rose." Did you now you are hoarding with 
my aunt Miss Summers? 

Di cky 
What? Miss Svimmers your aunt? 

Mary 
Yes, Aunty Rosy, y*^^ seo Rose is her first name, 

Dicky 
"Rose" her first name, it ought to he her last^: 

Mary 
I don't xinderstand, 

Dicky 
Why the last "Rose of summer." Don + t you see? Eh? (Laughs) 
Hal Hal Hal Li* le one of my owi. j roll them off Just like that- 

Mary 
Aunt Rosy thinks a good deal of you- 

Dicky 
(G-roans) Ahl Oh J And she makes me think a great deal ahout her* 
(Ifiddleton disgusted, strolls up hack) I'm glad to know that she 
is called "Rose , " I'll name my new punching hags aft€r h^r, 
(ticks up hag) 

Middleton 
(Laughs) Hal Hal Hal 

Dicky 
ITenial Varlet.' Gat those giggles 1 Yes Rose, you "little faded 
floiaier" everytime I slam this hag, I'll think of you and vice 
versa. Everytime I think of you, I'll slam the hag i (l-oses hag 
in L« hand, hits it straight punch with R.^ off towards L ,U,Eo 
where Middleton stands. Middleton fore-sees Dicky's intention, 
falls flat dodging the hago It strikes Screwhy who has entered 
L.U,E» standing pompously in door vfay) 

Screwhy 
'^o did that? tr^io did it „ j say? 

Dicky 
(Feinting to Middleton) There stands the cujprit?. Tjerel That 
"inflated hag# was going in his direction and to have his own 
miserable skin, he stooped, Ths coward craven duckf-d ^ and caused 
this indignity to he put upon you* 

Middleton 

Seeherel (l-icking up punching hag) TiOJi''t you dare try to mix me 
up with this hag of v/indJ (starts to throw it away, hangs Screw- 
hy in stomach) 

Screwhy 
OuchI (Doubling up) 

Dicky 
And don't you call my respected employer a "hag of vund„ '* 



1 :!.-E 

Gentlemen! aentlemen?, (As ScreT/by starts after Middleton with 
umlDrella) Mr,, Middleton, do me th^ Ib^tov to kindlu withdraw, I 
have some husiness to talk over with Mr. Screwby,, 

Middleton 
very we 11 1 Hro Dicky Bird, I'll settle with you later*. 

Dicky 
Nevertheless, "Desiflond" I will still defy you, when we meet, it 
will he man to man« 

Middleton 
Oh, pooh I 

Dicky 
j-ooh. pooh yourself and a good many of them. 

Mid die ton 
Mary , I vant a word with youc 

Dicky 
Beware of the "deadly touch" Mary - Beware I Beware i (Middlfen 
draws Mary of L.UoEj Mr. Screwby , you can't ten how hurt I aJUo 

Screwhy 
Mrc Tii^d, all the hurt is on my side <, 

Dicky 
Your side? Why I thought your solar plexus was affected, Mo sore- 
ness there? Eh? Eh? (lokes Screwhy in rihs) 

Screwhy 
No, hut there will he if you k esp on poking me that wayo 

Dicky 
And then I fancied you got it the first timec "Slam" in the nose. 
Are you sure your nose is not broken, or at least "out of jount", 
if it is, I'll pull it into place, (arahf? Scr2^::-hy "by nose, 
pulls him arftund stage) 

Sere why 
(Struggling) Damn it, let go,' Let go 1 (Throws j)±G'k^ off) 

Dicky 
There's gratitude for you and I only want to fix Ciis nose » 

Sere why 
My nose will not be the only one that needs fixing if you don't 
let me alone o 

Dicky 
Let you alone? (With dignity) Do you mean to say, that I am 
introduing nrr, Screwhy? Do you want me to go away? 

Screwhy 
I didn't say that-^ 

Dicky 
VSeil that is all I vant to know« You may have forgotten that I 
am here at your particular requegt,, ^Yie part you have assigned 
to me is particularly repugnant, I ha^ve no wish to "hutt" into 
Mr= Haynes' private affairs and act as a spy on kstfe^ himo 

Haynes 
(Interested) A spy oh me ? 

Dicky 
I can call it nothing else, -p-'? cannot deny that he asked me to 
present at this interview and see that you don't "put anything 

over on him"„ I am to take notes of everything you say. Yi^ c 
Haynes, for l can tell you my employer here regards you as a slip- 
pery customer., j on the other hand consider you as "sticky "in 
fact, "gluey „" 



12"E , ■ , 

Haynes 
Sticky J Gluey i 

Dicky 
Yes, for example, let me imagine my Taoss loaned you a thousand 
dollars this afternoon = 

Screw'by 
We won»t imagine any such thing .- 

Dicky 
You are not in this. 

Sere why 
I don't know why no to It ' s my money you're talking ahout- 

Dicky 
(Ignoring him) If Haynes here got his fingers on a thousand dol- 
lars of your money, would he ever slip it hack? Fo , it would 
"stick"„ YOU would have to pry it off him with a "Jimmy,," 

Pelham 
Sir, you are hecoming offensiTse,, 

Sere why 
I wish y©ti & would leave Mr „ Haynes and myself to transact our 
"business in peace, (Loud rumble of thunder heard and flushes of 
lightning seesn through window Go) 

Dicky 
We're going to have a dandy storm^ Gome on Plossy, let's go out 
on the veranda dnt ake it in, j so love to "wathh" the thunder 
and "listen" to the lightning. 

Florence 
You mean "vice versa" don't you? 

Dicky 
I never had a good look at vice versa - (y-^me ^ 

S'lorence 
I don't know whether i ought to, you said my father was "sticky* 
tiiat he reminded yoU of "glue." 

Dicky 
Flossy, don't mind that, j really think the old man cements, (tuts 
arm around her, thy exuent C. through window) 

I-elham 
I am surprised that you have such a "fresh" individual in your 
employ, Sere why. 

Screwhy 
li employ whom I please ^ Haynes.- j don't want nohody to tsll me how 
to run my husinesSo That Dicky Sird don't cost me nothing, pe 
has rich folks -9*10 make up the salary he's supposed to get and I 
generally contrives to "cop" out sc^nething for myseif„ 

I-elham 
I am surprised that you should try to "cop" out for yourself, 

Screwhy 
^11 you see, Dicky was to college and got into scrap after scrap 
and at last had to leave and his folks sent hira to me, as - a - a 

lunishment, no doubts 

Screwhy 
lunish - punish nothing. But come down to tacks. You sent for me.. 

lelham 

Yes, you have that chain and locket I ordered for Florence's 
birthday . 



13-E 

Screi'rby 
You bet I have, and I'm going to hang on to them until I get the 
money haclc you jiggered me into paying on them, and i want to 
tell you Haynes , I've stood your "banker for the last time. You've 
jiggered me enoughj you've the worst "jigger" I ever knowned» 

I-eiham 
NOW my dear Screwby„ 

Screwby 
Don't "dear" me. It won't do you a hit of good- I've entered fore- 
closure proceedings on this here property and don't you think 
you can "slave" me again. I-resents for Florence ^ eh'' You'd "bet- 
ter go get her a job in a laundry, instead of encouraging her in 
sinful extravagance . 

telham 
Silence you idiot i 

Screwhy 
I won't do no such thing, ^hy there must he a pound of gold in 
that jim crack adfair , outside of the "dimings# in the locket. 
Why you ought to he put in a "sahitary a -roariumo"* 

fe Iham 
Hold your tongue, you mucker I And give up that chain and locketJ 

Screwhy 
They're to "hum" and I never give up without the price, 

lelham 
Go after them, I have the money = 

Screw"by 
I was raised in Kansas City -- 

I-elham 
Oh, you want to see it., Well there you worm.' Seel See,' (l-ro 
duces roll of "yellowbacks." Look at your godl Kneel doiT/n and 
worship, you miserable , contemptible, knavist, degraded and 
infamous tight wad! 

Screewby 
Don't you call me amny more of them names of I'll get mado You've 
heen higb and mighty long enough. You've put on airs with me long 
enough and by heck - I'm going to stop it=. You've always des- 
pised me, but I've got the bit in your mouth nowo You've blinded 
and saddled -I'm on top, the reins in one fist, a stout vihip in 
the other and if I want to , I'll ride you to Hell and you fan't 
help yourself, (Re-en^er Dicky and Tplorence from C= window) 

3-elham 
You insolent niggardly miser! How dare you? 

Screwby 
What's that? who are yoio: calling a nigger? Look • out for yourself, 
(Throws off coat) This is mhere i fight, I'm IjjJcrewby the scrapper! 
Come oni (Squaring off) co^^® ^^' (l-elham rushes at him, Screwby 
runs away, gets behind table) Hold up I Hold up! I ain't quite 
ready yet c (l-elham chases him around table) 

Dicky 
Gentleman this is atrocious^ This is no way for you to settle 
an argument . 

Screwby 
Dicky, you're right, jet's talk is over. 



^- .Tricky 

Gentiem^H^hould fight with gentlemen's weapson, but alas, the 
d^ys-^olf duelling are past. The avord has "been supplanted, ttow 
with the permission of you "both, I vlll act as r^^feree. x have 
here a hox of rat poison. (Produces box) T^ere are two spoons, 
(l-iclcs them from table) You each take a spponful of this paste, 
and the one n'ho dies f i- st , loses all bets « 

Screwby 
Let him take his spoonful first. 

I-elham 
Sucn a suggestion is ridiculous, 
^ Screwby 

I ain't no rat. 

Dicky 
Then there's nothing left but the gloves. Tou shall fitht with 
these. (Takes gloves from package) 

1-elhata 
No, I'll handle this viper v,lthout gloves'. (I'lakes another rush 
at Screwby. Dik hold him) 

Scr ewby 
(Running atjay) Hold that lunatic I Hold him Dicky until I make my 
escape. I've just decided that I won't fight him until he gets 
a re;putation and t can see theret's some money in it. -picky if you 
love me, hit him in the "noddle** and I'll ra se your salary. 
(Dicky and J-elham struggle. I-elham endeavoring to get at Screwby) 

Florence 
Oh papa.' ]-apaJ Mr^ Screwby, part them, won't you"? t- lease I i-leasej 

Screwby 
I never meddle iFith vshat don't concern me- reside::: j my father 
was a clergy man and this ain't no place r^or a minister's son. 
(i'^xits L.U.J-;.) 

DiclQr , 
Calm yourself, I':^r , Haynes. "Screwby the scrapper** has escaped 
and you can never catch him, 

3-elham 
\ '^ail you. do something for me, young man? 

Dicky 
Anything in the world except to lend you money or mind my own 
business. I can't do either, 

3-3lhara 
Go in pursuit of that insect 1 

Dick 
^h at insect? 

I-e iham 
Tliet.t loathesome scrawling thing, calSd "Screwby^"* 

Dicky 
Oh yes, he's "bugs" all rights 

I-elham 
Ask him for that "jewel bex" of mine he holds. Pring it to me 
Vv'-ith the receipted bill and I vrill pay you the amount, 

Dicky 
In real money? 

I-eiham 
Of course, no other passes throujdi my hands. 



Di cky 
I'-- not thinking of your hands, hut your mincU You know you smoke 
a good deal and -- 

J-ekham 
Oh hurry I Hurry I 

Dicky 
Don't ask me to huriy, I've got a "hoo^k worm." Say, .I'll leave my 
property here till I come hack "Plosiel" You can play with these 
^vhile I 'n gOne . (Tosses glovos to her) I-ractioe on his jiglets, 
here. 

Florence 
(Stamps her foot at him) tt , pir^, you're real rude. 

Dicky 
That's vTbat they all say, 

Florence 
All w^hat? 

Dicky 
All the lit~le pug nosed "peacherinas" "before they learn to love 
me» (Ahout to go) 

Florence 
Don't forget to take your rat poison' (l-resents hox) 

Dicky 
Hov' often am i to take it? 

Florence 
You ought to know you wanted papa to take it/ 

Dicky 
Dearest Flossie, this isn't poison, this is shoe polish, I thought 
it might hrighten up your daddy's liver* He could get a shine 
inside so to speak, 

te iham 
I have all the shin© , i want , young man<^ 

Di cky 
Yes, I know you're all shine, hut -- 

I- e Iham 
( Imp at ient ly ) '"i 1 1 y ou go ' 

Dicky 
Of course- (Kois e of gain) It's raining at last. (Middleton 
enters with umhrella) 

Dicky 
(Grabs it) Here ^ give me that ^ 

Kiddle ton 
Sir,' 

Dicky 
Varletl Don't talk back, I need this.. (Throws off Middleton) Don't 
worry, >.-r<. Hayn es , I'll get that jev/el box out of Screwby if I 
have to hypnotize him 

pie ham 

Do so and I'll pay the five five hundred on your return. 

Dicky 
If you don't, , I'll have to chlorofon:! you - by - by "sugar lips." 
Oh you "Flossie-!" (Exits L.U.S, lelham follows) 

Middleton 
Sugar lipsi TPlorence what doos this familiarity mean ? why doe s 
he call you sugar lips? 

Florence 
Becc'..use,. possibly he cons'der niy lips are v=ry, very sweet, I may 
have given him a strong impression that th^^ are. 



16-E 

Muddle ton 
You had no rights 

•plorence 
(I'laring up) Don't you talk of right, ycu mean, (^ceitful^ hor-- 
rihie^ ugly wretch! I hate youl T^^erel (Plounches off door R*3,E« 
Slams door in Middleton' s face^ Thunder) 

Mid diet on 
I wonder what the devil's "been ^Ding on here and five hundred 
dollarso Tiiat old fox Haynes has heen under cover all the time* 
(Exits slowly up stairs RUE. I-ause, liary in long c leak appears 
at window C which is lighted up hy lightning X2iash, as she en- 
ters) 

5'Iary 
come in Jack, come in here, There's no one a"bout„ t saw father 
go towards the ttahle, we can kave a few minuts here undisturhedo 

JohJTE 
(Enters at window, closes window, he has long top coat, v/hich he 
doffs; with hat , on seeing JTary , shake the rain d ops off her cloa, 
she turns to him. xre extends his arms she nestles in them) 

Mary 
Jack, my poor, dear Jacici 

John 
^nd you still have faith in me, Mary? 

liary 
I still have faith jack-"-' Why I'd "believe in you even if the world 
were against you. We must "be patient, my dearest, ,,,ime and He 
who rules ahove will set all right. 

Jogn 
I have felt like an outcast since i cams l^ack to this, my hoy- 
hood's home. I never realized "before how I was th:ught of among 
men, i was defiant during my trial out West, I had many g yst-gmg ; 
sympathizers, j was conscious of my own innocence and never flin- 
ched an instant, I took my acquittal as a matter of right of 
j ust ice , 

'^-ary 
And so it was. Jack. 

John 
When I jo'urneyed through Deijver , there were t© tho.usand people 
at the station to greet me^ I ^s-b cheered they "bore me on their 
shoulders,, I was welcomed, i was applauded. The cro^vd seemed 
frenzied over "their hero" as they styled ne» T didn't know what 
it was then- Tt was the part;- feeling running wild» Th^ didn't 
applaud me "because I was really innocent, mary helieved I had 
inspired the crime for which I had "been tried, and that clever 
lawyers had saved me„ They only rejoiced hecause the prosecution 
had failedc Tjey hated the man vlho was assasainated with a dead- 
ly hatred. Then as I came further and furhter from the heat of 
the "battle J the "bitter conflict which had almost rent r, state. My 
eyes "began to opsn.j was recognized at time and gaped at with - 
euros ityo They had heard vaguely of the trial , and t|tey stared at 
me as if I^were a strange wild animal. Oh T came still further, 



17~E 

and I found I as an object of suspicion and here inmy home, where 
I thought I had nothing hut friend , people flee iay approach as 
they would a pestilence, ,, others -pidk up their children as I 
come along and rush into their houses with then, jn their eyes, 
I am the foul fiend himself. But you, Ilary , you still trust in me. 
God "bless you for that, my darlings Gcu bless you, God bless you» 
(Breaks down, clasps I'iary to his heart) 

Mary 
Courage, Jack, have courage » 

John 
I'll tiy , my angel , I'll try=, 

i'iary 
There is some plaee that v.« are not known, we will go there, "^ohn. 
And face up a new existence „, You are strong and I v/ill work and 
help you. ^ will forget the past and "f'ace up cur new future ^ 
which we will warm with our hearts, until it glows into promise. 

John 
We? We"? You are not going to forsake me then? 

Mary 
Per sake you, why, how could I? 

John 
Then it isn't true about that, th^t other fellow? 

I'lary 
There isn't any other fellow, Jack, 

John 
And the rumors I heard about the man w^ho is stopping he e with 
your fath'r„ rphe man I saw with you on the lawn this eyening. 

ITary 
Mr* Middleton? 

John 
I don't know what his anfernal name is -- 

JTary 
Any rximors you eygr heard connecting me with him ^re false. Jack, 
Mr. Kiddleton has paid some attentions to ;^lorencec (i-elham re- 
enters L.U.E. starts on seeing John, stands listening) But Jack 
for me, you have aliA&ys been the only one, are the only one,, and 
will be the only one until eternity* 

John 
Mary, mY --ary , your words lift me out of the depts into paradise 
itself. 

I-elham 
(Sarcastically) l am sbrry to disturb your dreams, Hayward, but 
the sooner you get out of my house , , the better,, 

Mary 
father i 

I-elham 
You know I dOnH want this criminal here, e.nd what's more I 
won't have him. et him get out ard. stay out ahd more, I forbid 
you ever exchanging- a ^^'ord with him again, 

Mary 
Don't forbid me that, father^ 

I elham 
my not? 

I'iary > 

Because if you do, for the first time in my lif^ I shall be com" 
pelled to disobey you. 



i8"Sr 

I-eiham 
If you notice him in any way and mind, I'll ke ^jp a watch on you^ 
I';^l turn you out of doors also, 

Jiary 
Your house is your own. You can do a.s you choo^, hut my right to 
meet the man t love is my o-nn , and ^ will not give it upL 

I-elhaa. 
So far this miserable ^ cowardly murderer, this vagabond scorn sd 

hy all man kind, this skuLLking cur who probably is making use of 
your infatuation to prowl rovmd my home to see wh^at he can steal. 

John 
Silence i if you utter another aldndfir against me, in her xjresence 
I'll torottle you with my ov,ti hands, 

I-elham 
AJiai Threats, eli? Take care i Young mani Take care i You're not 
among your Colorado riiffians nov;. You'll find out that justice 
here is not the miserable travesty your scoundrelly lawyers made 
of it in Idaho. 

John 
(Exasperated) You willhave it, eh? 

Mary 
(Clinging to John, as he is about to rush oh I-elham who grabs 
"andiron" in posture of d.efense) John] John! -rior my sake, remem- 
ber he is my father. Go now and I'll meet you later, (MJddleton 
re-enters, stands athack) 

John 
I respect your presence, iiary, but Jf^lham HaynesI Don't rely on 
your relationship to Mary too ■'aro sometimes we'll meet where 
we*ll not be interrupted and I'll make you en y lur knees confess 
that every word you have uttered against nj chara'-ter is a malic- 
ious lie. You know the truth and you shall spep.k the truth by Oodl 
You shall , and don't you forget ths.t, Mr, lelham Hay esi (Grabs 
up his coat and hat exits C. Lightning and thunder) 

I-eltiam 
You meant what you said about meeting this man? 

Mary 
(Girmly) Yes, I meant what I said, 

3-elham 
Then leave this house and never enter it again^, 

Mary 
Kever , unless you ask me to come to you.^- 

I-elham 
I might have knov;n ^ow you would turn out, you ungrateful cat I 
You are like your mother before you, 

Mary 
Don't speak ill of my mother, I forbid it J 

I-elham 
(Sneering) You? y^u forbid? 

Mary 
Yes, U Her memory is the only thing in my past life^ I cherish. 
I can't look back upon my slighted childhood with any joy and 
since I've grown to womenhood I have been more and more neglected. 
Everything has been lavished on Florence and you haile made of ne 
your other child a drudge in your house, I have done my duties un- 
Gompalainingly , yes, bravely, for I have never known an affection- 
ate word from you in all my recollection-. 



19-E 

I-elhani 
Oh, you remind me too much of your mother, she hy hsr shai:xeful 
act — • 

Mary 
Hot another word, you shant defame her memory „ You hy your treat- 
ment have already forfeited -nrhat love I iniglit have home for 
you, and now your cruel slander of my mother kills liLe la,st atom 
of respect, you unworthy father*, Farev/en^ I never v/ant to look 
upon your face again, 

I-elham 
T)ittol But here , you can't go altogether unprovided, prerets some 
money, Tvhich — 

Mary 
Keep it J Keep it.'Keep it', 

Pelhan 
(Lays the roll of -bills on the table) I'll leave it here in 
case you should change your mind, (Turns down to fireplace) 

l'"ary 
Bot a penny i Not a penny^ I'll face starvation fii'st, ^xits 
E.U«E. up steps at back) 

I-elham 
(Lights cigar by mant9.e, sits in ^sy chair L. thinks for a mom- 
ent) Humph' Rather awkward Mary leaving just now. I'll have to 
hire a servant girl. (Dicky enters L.U.E.,) 

Middleton 
(Bus/ Comes quietly down to table while J-elham ha% ab jve bus, and 
speech, and picks up the money from ta,ble, pockets it, riicky 
sees the theft) 

Dicky turns 

teek a bool (Middleton starts, I-elham iij^im:) 

I-elham 
Oh, ICr . Bird, have you come back? 

Dicky 
Yes, I'm of the kind who alv/ays come back, 

I-elham 
And you brought the jewel box? 

Dicky 

I certainly did^ Tiere it is, (HaMs jewel case) 

I-elham 
Dear Florence ^ it's her birthday to-morrow and this is the only 
present I have for her. (Takes chair '(heavy) and locjet from 
case) 

' Dicky 
(Looking 4 chain) /i.nd. that's some present, you can bet your -- 
Oh, by the way, Screwby is "^aiting in his buggy outside for his 
03)18 • 

I-elham 
(i'eeling in pocket) Oh ye e- - l' - I forgot, I ggve th^t money to. 
I^ry , • ' . 

Dicky 
Ih? 

I-elham 
But she i?"ouldn't take it » 

Dicky 
Ohi 



20-E 

I-eiham 
I laid it on the taTale here^ (Discovers the hills not there) Gone, 
^y , what does this mean? 

Dicky 
(Meaningly pointing to Middleton) ^ eek a hoo^ 

Middle ton 
what the devil do you meah "by your "^peek a boo*" 

Dicky 
Just the song of the jiicky Bird J Were the hills -of large denymr- 
ination? 

I-elham 
They were all "fifties" and all naked hy Screwhy , the last money 
he paid me. I kept them in spite of all temptation for ^'lorence^s 
present » 

Dicky 
All marked, eh-? "Beeky I-ooh<," Ask this man (Pointing to Middle- 
ton) to show up all the money in his pocket for examination. 

Mid diet en 
^at do you mean? 

Dicky 

I mean that l saw you pick up the hills from the tahle = 

Middleton 
You're a damned liarl (BuSc Dicky knocks him down) 

Dicky 
Get upti (Kicks him) Get up I t want to knock you down again^ 

I-elham 
G^ntleDienl Gentl^enJ 

Dicky 
(Boots Middleton again) Don't you dare to -answer , he doesn't 
mean you,, 

I-elham 
Mr o pird I heg of you, don't carry this any further^ Call Mr^ 
Screwhy in<. i have enou^ in hank ±h to satisfy thj deht for this< 
(3-ointing to jewil hox) I'll write him- a checque,, 

Dickj^ 
I'll call him in that he may identify hismark on the hills, that 
skunk has in Jiis pocket, He'S called me a liar, I'm going to 
prove him a thief, (Exits L,U,E<.) 

Tr slham 

II Dw Middleton' 

Middleton 
Eot a word'. I'm going to fix myself for that fellowc He won't 
slip one over me again. (Moise of rain, wind etc. Distant rumble 
■ of thimdero, The windo at hack is hlown open, _^igb:ts on stage 
all out) 

I-elham 
(At mantle) (-.onfound it, there goes the lamp. Have you a match? 
I can't find one, '^h , well never mind there are some up stairsc 
I'll get tham and close those upper windows at the sane time^ 
^As the lightning flashes, lelham is seen, grasping his wray to 
R.U.E, exits up stairs c I'iary enters R.3.E. with syit case gropes 
her way to windorr. Lightning reveals Middleton in window) 

Middlet jn 
SO you are really going, Mary? I will accompany you» 



21--K 

Mary 
I don't wat your company, sir. Keep away from me, keep away from 
me. (Jbcits window C) 

Middle ton 
Oh, l3ut T insist! (Exits after Fary. T-ause) 

Screwby 
(Outside) You had no Tousiness to leave it unless he gave you the 
money. (Enters with Tlicky L -,U«E. falls oyer chair at hack) Damn 
it all' Fe»s put out all the lights, so as I'd fall over some 
thing and "break n^y lego Give me a match.., 

Dicky 
'l haven't any, 

Screwhy 
Well, we must have some lights Get the lantern from the huggy. 
This is all a scheme of that scoundrel Haynes^ W^ll, he'll pay 
me my money or give me back t^e jewel hox, or I'll have his 
heart's hloodc (Picky exits L.U.E, Screwhy tries to grope his 
way "back to L.IT.E, falls over chair again,) Ouchl That's twice 
I done thati (E±its L-^tJ,E, I-ausoo lelhaoi enters down stairs upper 
Ro H© lights matches 3 which "blow out almost immediately o ) 

I-elham 
MiddletonI ifiddletoniS Are you there? Gone, the jewel "boxJ (Over 
to mantle piece) Ah, it is here, -nlorence must not he disappoint- 
ed, (Terrific crash of thunder, and forked lightning aplsy all 
Oyer room- ^he all lights out, utter "blackness, I-ause ^ enter 
Dicier carrying lantern) 

DiCky 
Screwby « (Lights half up) 

Dicky- 
(l-uts lantern on ta"bie R„) You've only got to wait for him, that's 
all. 

Screwhy 
(Comes down L.) Ah 1 Look there! (l-oints to I-elham who lies face 
dovmward hy fireplace , the "andiron" overturned* 7he jewel hox 
Open and empty, clenched in his right hand) 

Dicky 
My God, it is he- (Kneels "beside him( 

Screw'by 
DeadI 

Dicky 
Murdsredl See that awful wound, his head's crushed in^, 

Screwhy 
Who - -who - who has done this? See, the jewel hax empty.- 

Dicky 
Yes, the jewels gone,. He ^as murdered for them.. ,(John and Middle- 
ton struggling together. Enter C. window Mary following and 
endeavoring to ca.lm John) 

John 
Down on yjur knees, i ^y and heg her pardon, or I'll wring your 
infernal neckJ (Forces Middleton to knees, ^'lorence enters Ro3«E) 

Dicky 
Stop this tmtimely hrawling, you are in the presence of death* 

Qmnes 
DeathI 

Dicky ^ ■ 

Kr„ Haynes has "been murdered. - 



:^ 



22-E 

Qmnes 
Ifurderedi 

Florence 
Dead'. (Rushes over to "boi^ , Knevls) speak to ms, , papa - speak, 
speakl (Hysterically sobbing* T^ary by her sicl^ weeping and at 
the same time trying to soothe -clorence) 

Middle ton 
Murder i ^y, ^at motive could there "be for murder? 

Dicky 
Robliery, Mr<, Middleton, roberyl „he same motive which inspired 
yuu to-night to steal those fifty dollar bills from that table* 
The jewels are gone and Edward Kiddie ton, I charge you with the 
crime. 

Middleton 
It is false , it is. 

Dicky 
S..ar6h that mam, (John seises Middleton, holds him, while Screw- 
by goes throu^ him, pulls out bills from inside pocket) 

Screwby 
There ain't no chain, no locket, but herefs some money, 

DiclQr 
Do you reeognine those bills, T\Tr„ Screwby? 

Screwby 
(I'isamining them by lantern) Sy g'avy, I do. There is the very 
hills T paid -paynes on our last deal. My mark is on them, 

Middleton 
But I am not guilty of^.p-aynes' murder^ I swear I am innocent. 

Tricky 
The finger of suspicion points directly to you. _f you are in- 
nocent I hope you will prove it, but if you're guilty, I pray 
to r'rOd , Edward Middleton, I'll live to see you hanged for this 
most cowardly crime. 

I-ICT-URE & CURTAIE 



Dicky 



John 
Middleton 



Screwby 



Mary 
iPlorence. 

Haynes. 

oooOOOOOOOooo 



Act Second 

Scene*-- The garden and grounds of the Haynes Manions, 
Two days latere 

Xandscane Drop. ^ 





S 2^ Z li A n A T I CI N. 

11 II H n n r? II n ii n tl 

1- Handsome house R» of stage door as marked window, not 
practical in i*eturn facing audience) (2) Verandas. (3) 
low stone wall with gate way L of C. (4) Steps leading down 
D. (5) Srick wall of Tsarn, with return leading off I, upper 
L Of stage (6) Large set tree 1 of C seat surrounding same; 
(7) Bench fcelow window «Iaiid scape drop for Toack, Wood wings. 

At Rise:- Dicky and ScrevfTay discovered on "bench surrounding 
tree, picky is smoking pipe. Jerry Blossom enters from house 
R stands in door— way, he is madeup in long coat^ cap apid 
pipe ala Sherlock Holmes*) 

Blossom 
(Coughs) Ahem! The jury has just went out. 

Dicky 
(looks up at him) Oh J They "has" - has they? 

Bldssom 
Yopl The Coroner told them to go, 

Dicky 
Then I suppose that's -v^iy they "goed"o 

Bios som 
"Goed"? 

Dicky 
Yes, "B^Lew" "Absconded" "IJizzled" Made their exit "Got the Hook" 

Blossom 
See here, young fellow. You don't want to make no fund of "a 
inquest" Inquests and post mort ems, is serious things. 

Dicky 
How do you know? Have you ever had them? 

Blossom 
No, I haint, 

Dicky 
?^y "haint" you? 



blossom 

Cau-,e I haint died yet, 

xclcy 
Y/hy haven't you died? Perhaps you are dead, and don't know it. 

^ -Blossom ■ , ^ •, -u- ^ 

T?,mnv ain't you? And your najne is Bird. You're a fresh bird. 
!?T;/af?o sprinkle a^^little salt on your tail, you wouldn't 
be so fresh. Eh? Did" you heat that Si? (Lau^s) Hal Hal 
Ho{ Hoi (Slaps Screw, vigorously on the hack c ) 

■ Screwhy 

OuchJ (wncing) Stop that„ 

Blossom 
Did you hear the joke 1 made about him being "salt", I mean 
"fresh"? Ha, ha, Why don't you laugh? 

Screwby 
I don't feel like laughing, go 'way. Go 'way^ Ugh. My shoulder. 
(Groaning) 

Dicky 
Bemighted, blithering, Barbarian. Beat it* 

Screv;by 
But he don't want me to beat it o 

Dicky 
OhI (Groans) Governor, what do you call this "piece of cheese? 

Screwby 
I'm ashamed to tell you vdiat I call him. He calls himself 
"Blossom" 

Dicky 
Blossom?' "Pansy" or Gin? It ought to be "Gin" judging by 
his nose. 

Blossom 
I'm Jerry Blossom, 

Dickjt 
Well, if you're "Jerry" why don't you' prove you're Jerry and 
not "butt in" where you're not wanteds 

Blossom 
]!Tot wanted, eh? Well, young fellow, I'm a policeman and some 
day you may find that I'm not around when I am wanted, 

Dicky 
I never saw a policeman of your kind who was, now don't 
interrupt anymore. We're- busy, (to Screv/by) Governor what are 
you saying? 

Screwby 
Why the Jury will never hold that Middleton chap for Haynes 
murder . 

Dicky 
Hov/ could they in the face of the alibi. Mary established for 
him, she swore that she heard her fathex- going up--stairs as she 
v/as- leaving the house, whon Middleton insisted on accompanying 
her, 

Screwby 
But you saw him take the money which was intended for me from 
the table , 

Dicky 
I certainly did, and from that circumstance, I framed my 
theory of his guilt that he and Mr. Haynes quarreled and he 
struck the old man down, and then stole the Jewelry, but it 
was not found on him. 

Screwby ' 
(Groans) It wasn't found no where, it's gone and the five 
hundred dollars I'll never get that o (Whispers) I'm the one 
who's getting the worst of this deal. 

Dickl: 
Hov; about Haynes who lost his life, brut aJ.ly murdered? 



Sot sw dv 
Well, he don't need money v/here he's gone.- If he had all the 
money in the world, he co-^ldn't ^uy a pato leaf fan or a 
pitcher of ice-v;ater« 

Dicky 
HOW about his tv/o girls left fatherHesSo Vftiat is your- five 
hundred dollars loss compared with, thexr great griel . 

Screv/hy 
I wish Dicky you wouldn't speak of so much money^^so carelessly, 
hut try and think of some scheme, how I can get them fifties 
out of Middleton. You know they're honestly mine » He ought 
to he satisfied with the chain and locket if he has them soaked 
away s o me wh er e « 

Dicky 
I'm not altogether sure that he has them soaked away anywhere, 

Screwhy 
Well, if he isn't the guilty one, v/ho is? 

Dicky 
That is the question c 

Slos som 
If I was on that jury, I know v/ho I'd wote to hold. 

Dicky 
What, you here again? I thought we'd lost you. 

Blossom 
You "kaint" lost me= 

Screwby 
(Eagerly) Go on, Blossom. ^'Waat were you saying? llho would 
you vote to hold? 

Blossom 
Y/hy, ^them" two daughters of "his'so" 

Dicky 
"Them" two daughters of "whosSn"? 

Blossom 
Of "his'n", Haynes of course* Every hit of evidence "pints" 
to one of them, so it's well to suspect the one who seems 
innocent. That's the way it alius turns out in the "old sleuth" 
series, (Dicky laughs) Oh, you needn't giggle,- I hain't the 
only one who thinks as I do, there are others c 

Di cky 
You ought to %all get together and form the "Bonehead" club. 

Blossom 
I ahin't a been a readin' Detective Stories twenty years for 
nothin'JI know al.l about the murder mysteries, from the Chicago 
saasidge maker who turned his "fat wife" into links and sold 
her at reduced rates, to the Gunness case in "Ingianny" Then 
there was "them" Borden Sisters in New Endland. , who were 
acquitted for murderin ' both their "parents"! 

Dicky 
Oh, come on, let's get av/ay from the ravings of this id&ot 

Screwby 
No, no, there may be something in what he says after alio 
(Enter Rose Summers from house, dress extravagantly, 
carrying umbrella o) 

Blossom 
Well, I should say there be somethin' of course, I ain't a 
been to cocLlege and got kicked out like some people, but I'm 
got human intelligence = I know all tha.t's worth knowing on 
this ere spear^ Nobody can learn me nothin', 'and I pxjcffectly 
disgust them as they tries to,' I disgust them. I say I disgust 
them. (Belligerently to Dicky <.) 

Dicky 
I don't doubt it. 



4-l£ 

blossom 
Then shet your mouth, and listen to wisdom. I say that, Mary 
HajSes and her sister ortor to he put through the thrd 
degree and I'd like to have the job of doing it. 

Rose 
(coming down) Oh you would, eh? You would? You freckle faced, 
fossilized frog, you just try it on me fifst, I'll show you 
where you get off \Tith your "third degree," 

Blossom 

Miss Rosy- 

Ros e 
Don't you dare to "rosy mo" you cross eyed crocodile « This is 
your petty revenge is it? Because I won't marry you, and aet 
you lead a life of idle dissipation and dehanchery, a squirt in' 
of tohacco juice around the grocery store all on my money. 
You mearly, malicious monster, you, you are tryin' to aast 
slvirs and suapiciOTis on my dead sister's child- But' come on, 
try your degrees' on me first, you debilitated devil. Try them 
on me I defy you.. 

Dicky 
That's right Rose. (Applauding) That's right, give it to him. 

Bios som 
Rose, if ' I had knowed you'd been here, I wouldn't have spoken 
as I didfl 

Rose 
If ever you come around to my kitchen again, a hankerin' for 
tea and a talkin' of the lovelight a sliinin' in my beautiful 
eyes, I'll scald you, you - you hypocritical homely hyenaS 
(Hysterically starts to boat him with umbrella, Blossom shelters 
himself as best he can behind Screwby who gets several of the 
blows intended for Blossom) (Blossom exits hurriedly into 
house R) 

Screv/by 
Woman „ Woman « Be careful^ -.That are you about? 

Rose ' . 

\7ho are you calling a woman, you aB2 as bad as he iSo 

Screwby ' 
(Dodging) Dicky, help me, won-t you, 

Dicky 
ITo, couldn't think of such a things You have brought it all on 
yourself by associating v/ith that "blighted Blossom" You had 
better ask hsr pardon.-. 

Screv/by 
(Kneels) Oh Ros e I Sweet RoseS See me on your, your knees with 
my feet, I mean, on your feet with my knees, no say you know 
what I mean,, Oh Rose, Sweot flower of I,ove*> 

RoG e 
RatS; Cut all that stuff out » 

Screwby 
You'll someday knov/ what I've got In prospect for you,, 

Ro se 
Yes, and you won't wait long to know what I have in prospect 
for youn (I'lourishes umbrellao) 

Screwby 
I am going to "bid in" this property. Beloved beautiful Rose, 
Share it with me, live here v/ith me* 

Rose 
V/hat? 

Screwby ' 

(Shrinks) As my wife, of course, that's what I meant ^ 



5-2 - 

Rose 
IP you aippose- I thought you meant anything else. You supers 

animated sharks 

Sc reWby 
Don't approach me with my years, Rose-. My hart is still young. 
It is because of my years thg,t I choose you» I am not only 
looking for a wife, iDUt a daughter » 

Rose 
Dicky vftiat do you think of that?' 

Dicky 
I am very inexperienced, "but a daughter. I don't think Mr. 
Screwhy has the right to dictate to the sex of the offspring, 
if you make up your mind to accept him, 

Screwhy 
(Indignantly) Mr . Bird c 

Rose 
Oh Dicky- 

Dicky 
Oh Button-hooks^ 

Blossom 
(at door) The memlDers of the Jury has come out again, for 
further instructions, and "Birdy" you are wanted,, 

Dicky 
(starts) Are you speaking to me? If you are, I want to give 
you a tip , 

Bios som 
What is it? 

Dicky 
The lasjs individual who took liberties with my name , I "pecked 
in the eye" You I think, I'll poke in the nose, {l^mxstks. 
Makes rush for Blossom) 

Blossom 
(exits into house, crying) Helpl Help I (Dicky pursues him off) 

Rose 
(Looks at Screwby langui shingly) Do you know, I think Dicky 
is real peevish c He's jealous of you proposing to me, 

Screwby 
Jealous, why? 

Rose 
^e has ideas of marrying me, himself ^ 

Screwby 
Great scott ,' %iat i Has that child proposed to you. 

Rose 
Not yet, "but he has looked "things" "Tfotterahle things" 1 
have lately commenced to think that Dicky is not exactly "a 
lihild" although very unsophisticated, "but to come down to 
"tacdcs" si, ahout yo\ir ov/n proposal, when would you like to 
wed your little Rose? 

ScrewToy 
Well, Miss Summers, It''s going to be a hard winter, a„nd Summers 
with me is alv/ays to\igh<, Money is scarce and I'd like to 
gather in all that's coming to me before I take any more 
chances. Matrimony is the bio-gest sort of a chaxice, but if 
you arrange a little nattsr for me, we could possibly come to 
an understanding. 

"Rose ' '• 
Don't beat the devil around the stump, but come down to facts, 

Screwby 
Mary Haynes thinks a good deal of you, doesn't she? 



Rod e 
TOiy shouldn't she? Wasn't her mother my sister, Isn't she 
coming to live with me, although she wouldn't come until I 
consented to talce Florence also. But v/hat has Mary got to do 
with you and me getting married? 

Screv/hy 
V/ell from the evidence today, I have pretty T/ell settled tzi 
my mind that is Mary didn't slam her' father in the coco v;ith 
that "andiron", she may know who did» 

S.0 G e 
V/hat? 

Screw^by 
And she took that gold chain and locket ^ hecause she didnH 
want j'lorence to get them, now I never was paid for those gin- 
cracks and I paid out five hundred dollars of my good 
money (ffor them^ Now you go to her ani tell her of the 
immense prospects you have with me, and she may give them up. 

(Nothing Omitted c) 



Rose 
C-^Yi I believe my ears? 

Screwby 
You can assure her my word is my "bond, and I won't tell « 

anybody. We three will keep the secret to ourselves I 

it will be in the family, so to speak if I can bring myself ' 

to marry you. Why, what's the matter., Vifhat are you looking 
vfior? (as Rose Y^alks right and L apparently searching for 
something/ 

Rose 
j^'or an axe? 

Sc r ev/by 
Why an axe? 

Ros e 
Just stay around and find out » The Post mortem on Pelhara 
Haynes won't be the only one to-day? 

Florence , 
(enters she is dressed in black,) Aunt Rose. Aunt Rose^ Aunt Rose 

Come quickly to -pjary she has fainted^ (Middleton enters 
from house) 

Rose 
Ij^inted. (Goes to door) 

screwby 
Think over what I said, Rose? 

Rose 
And you think over what I say? If you fool around me anymore we 
will hold another inquest in tMs village, or my name isn't 
Rose Summers c (Middleton dropB down right below door = 
Raises his hat ironically to Hose and then to Florence) 

Rose 
(Tunrs up nose,) Florenec Haynes if j'-ou notice that " Scum" 
never speak to me again, (Rose a.nd Florence exuent o Florence 
urging Rose to hurry) 

Middle • 
HxAmphi It appears Mr Screwby v/e are both of v.e in bad, there, 
(Pointing to door where Rose has made her eyi\/ 

Screwby 
Yes, It seems I'm all in^ I am also all out. What are you 
doing away from the inquests Aren't you in custody? 

Middle 
Only norainallyc There's a del3,j in there and I :.elt I needed a, 
smoke and — (Feeling for cigarette caos crosses Lj \ 

Screwby 
A smoke. That roninds me c (takes a cigar from vest pocket 
ana match box, exraaines cigar about to bite off end Middleton 
takes it away from him) 

Middletor.- 
Thanks, I don't care if I do c A cige.v will go better 
now than a cigarette . 

Scre?/by 
)prot esting.- ) But, I didn't intend that cigar for you^ 

Middle t to. 
This one will dCo Just as well as another. Don't apologize. 
Let me have a match please c (takes matchbox from Screwby 
lighst cigar puts match box in pocket abstractedly) 

Scrairby 
(sits on seat by the tree staring at Middleton., Middleton 
sits along side of him, Screwby hastily shifts his watch 
from left to rigbt hand vest pocket) 

Middleton. 
(Puffs cigar,) This whole a.ffair is an awful joke, 
i3n'»t it? 



Screwloy 
I'm glad you find it so ;, I don't = 

Middle ton 
Tlie idea of tha.t young ^^help, Dicljy gird charging me with roblsery 
and murder o 

Screv/'by 
''^'eii^ I don»t know atout the nxirder-^ But the ro"bT3ery part — 
(Buttons coat) 

Middle ton 
Do you suppose I would stoop to steal such a pitiful svaa. as five 
htmdred dollars? 

Screwhy 

I wish you wouldn't speak of nry loss so contemptuously,, 

Middldton 
Your loss? 

ScrewTsy 
%y yes, that money was intended "by Haynes for me » 

Mid diet on 
Then why didn't he give it to you? Instead of losing it to me 
the night "before at poker <> 

Screwhy 
I-oker? 

Middleton 
Yes, I won it« 

Screwhy 
You won it all right, that's certain, hut Dicky Bird -- says — 

Middleton 
Has it never occur ed to you, that Dicky may he lying? 

Sere why 
Lying? ^h say, kind sir, let's come to an understanding, give up 
the chain and locket and I won't h etray you„ j &v3ar it on my 
honor as a deacon of the old hrick church^. 

Middleton 
Mr, Scr^why T have never seen that chain and locket, i swear 
that on msy honor as an ex-member of the- legislature^ ^y don't you 
try to get it out of Dicky? ^icky had it last» 

Screwhy 
That's so, he did have it lastu I never thought of thato 

Middleton 
I wonder when that jury will make up their mini -.? 

Screwhy 
l^at? Are they out agaih? 

Middleton 
Yese They retired just when i came out here <, 

Screwhy 
(Points to house corner) ^herets the room , (Has. huso of sneak- 
ing over R. dovjn helow house, gets up on seat, tri© to peer into 
window. Blossom enters from house is ahout to speak ot Middleton 
who checks him and points to Screwhy, Blossom spies him gets spade 
from garden toold, gives Scrowhy a spank with it) Eh, what, don't 
d<jf that again, I have a weak heart. 

Bio ssom 
ait down from that windo-^i ^it down I 

Screwhy 
It's my window, or soon will he^ 

Bl o s s om 
I'll learn you what tryin' to "inl-flooence" a jury means. I'll 
have you hefore the coroner and have him sit on you. (Collars 
Sar ewhy ) 



Screwby 
(Struggling) -p,°^^'* jerry 08 Say Jerry I I'll give you half a dollar 
to let me go « 

Blossom, 
Half a dollar? That's lri"bery, ^ome along! 

Middleton 
Offer him more, make it an inducemento 

ScrewlDy 
Seventy five cents <» 

Blossom 
Hothln' doin'. 

Screewby 
^old up I Hold up J 

Middleton 
Make it an inducement, I tell you* 

Screwby 
How do I know #iere "brihery stops and an inducement "begins? 

Middleton 
fjive him a five spoto 

Screwloy 
^Taat, do you iitant to ruin me? 

Bl o ss om 
A five spot or you for the coronero 

Sorewloy 
wftiy stop at the coroner, why not right on to the undertaker? 

Blossom 
(Shakes him) Give up2 Give up'. (Dicky enters from house, Screwhy 
pulls out roll of hills, ahnds one to Bissomo T)icky interpises, 
grahs Bill) 

Dicky 
What's this? 

Sere ewlby 
He calls it an inducement, he says "less" is brihery. j call it 
"my heart's hloodc" 

Dicky 
And vfhy do you give it to him? 

Sere why 
So he won't drag rae hefore the coroner for peeking into the jury 
room. 

T)iciy 
Ahal TnAsh money , eh? Blackmailing "brigand i Rapacious r^ifianl'Tis 
wello /\ha J "fe've caught you with the goods, eh? Corne Mr 3 Screwby, 
we will go before the coroner, also the country attorney and that 
cringing catiff shall accompany = t^he crime of extorting money by 
means of threats is heavily punished,. _e will be a withered blos- 
som when he emerges from the depths of the dismal, dark and dole- 
ful dungeon into which the law will cast himr. 

Blossom 
But what about him? Screwby? 

Screwby 
Yes , what about me? 

Dicky 
Your sentence will be a shorter one, but you will have the sat- 
isfaction of purifying the police force of this town. That will com- 
fort you while you are in prison. 



.3-E 

Screwty 
It wontt comfort me a damned "bito^ive laP back my five and I'll ca 
every thing off. 

Di cky 
What? ^ompotand a felony I No sir^ Ydu have showi that you are not 
to "be trusted with money, j will keep the five as evidence, (Rose 
and ^lorence re-enter- from house, supporting ':ai-y between them., 
John follows stands "back upper R») 



(Nothing omitteiio See 1-S) 



1"B 

Rose 
She wants some fresli air, then she ^11 "be "better „ That room in 
there is packed like a sardine can. Blossom^ JD heard the 
coroner calling for you, (Business as she speaks, she and 
Plorence lead j/ary over to seat by tree, Blossom exits into 
house) 

Positions 
John 

Rose 
Dick I. .- s - Florence 
Scretrby .IJIaiV 

Middleton 



Ro s e 
(Turning to John) So you. are follov/ing her up, are you? 
Haven* t you caused mischief enough with your presence here, 

Mary 
(Hysterically) Hush-/ Aunt Rose, you v^rong John, you wrong 
him. You wrong him. 

Middleton 
I thank you. Miss Mary for telling the truth and establishing 
my innocence, though i fear youtve got' yourself into a pretty 
bad box. 

John 
What do you mean by thaf? 

Middleton 
I mean that the suspicion has shifted now, and the accusing 
finger of justice points directly to you„ I overheard your- 
threats to Haynes, Your past ^i& reputation for violence is 
against you and unless a].l signs a.re wrong^ you will be held 
for this murder with Ma.ry as your accomplices 

John 
You dog J I'll (About t£- rusli on him) 

Dicky 
(Holding him back) Hold u.p. Hold upl You can't help matters 
by mussing him up now^ you'll only hurt your own cause. 

Screwby 
Dicky, you mind youimowin: business. Let him hurt his cause i,^ 
he wants to. The sooner we find out who ^s guiltyj the sooner • 
1^11 get back them golden gim- cracks, 

Dicly 
I donH believe this maji is guilty, 

Screw'by 
Well if he isn't, the girl is. They "Iroth made threats, didnft 
they? ' 

Dicky 
Threats? Well, what if they did,, you made threats yourself, 

Screwby 
V/hat? 

Dicky 
I heard you, myself say that you'd either have your money, or 
the jewels „ ¥r^ you'd have old Haynes heart '^s blood, 

Screwby 
I only said that bcaause I was ma.d, I had no motive for crime 

, Dicky 

Motive^ "^Ihy you'd do anything for moneys 

Rose 
You're right ^ Dicky„ Hefd murder his grandmother with a saw, 

Screwby 
(With dignity) You are discharged, i/rr. Bird, 

Dicky 
All ri^t Screv/by,; 



Screwby 
And I want to tell yoUj l^m going to sue jon for the value @f 
that locket and chain. Y6u're the last one I trusted tham t©. 

Dicky 
You infernal old Decapod crustacean., ¥/hat the devil di you 
mean? 

Rose 
Hold up J Dicky, you canU help matters "by mussing him up now. 
Tell the coroner, what he said. Tell the coroner! Tell the 
coroner J 

Blossom 
(Re-entering from house) The Jury has come hack and reports 
their finding, and I am directed hy the coroner to take your 
Mary H^ynes, and you, John irayward into custody^ 

d ohn 
¥/hat does this mean? 

Blossom 
It means that - that woman - Mary Haynes is held for the wil- 
full murder of her father and you John Hayward are held as her 
accomplice. Will you go peaceahly or must I siammon force- 
(Advances towards i/ary. Rose interposes, jj^Siry fainting ©n 
hench) 

John 
Don't lay a finger on her. if you value your life* [Swings 
Blossom around Ro He h-umps into Dicky) 

Dicky 
(Swings Blossom around Right ,^ and humjis him jnto Screwhy) What 
he says, goest 

Blossom 
What, do you defy the law? 

John 
UOj "but Mary is innocent j Listen everyone J ^rere before you all 
I rake the whole hurthen of this murder upon myself.. I alone 
am guilty, I killed Pelham Haynes, without help of any one. 

Omnes 
You? 

John 
Yes, 1 - and I stand ready to answer for the crime to God and 
man, 

Dicky "^ 
John Haywardj you] re to he honored for your sacrifice, hut all 
the same; I think you^re a daimed liar. 

Picture and Curtain.- 

John ', 
Dicky ; 

Blossom Rose^ 

Mary 
Screwhy Plorence 

Middleton 



I-S 



Act III 



SCEITE: — lIlBS Suraraer's Cottage, A comforta'bly furnished 
Interior . 



liTTERIOR BACKING IIITERIOR BAdvING 




L-ASJ 



L_7 1 



"(I) Door R of C. up at back. Interior "bacLlcing, (2) Door L of 
C, with steps leading up, a platform running off L„ Interior 
Backing, (3) Door in L» Boxings Interior "backing. (4) 
Large window, practicable on R, (5) Ji re-place dovm R. (6) 
Large clothes. Press v;ith drav/er up "back T C, (7) Tableland 
chairs. (8) Side- "board with glasses etc, (9) Sofa. Lamp on 
table, LoCiiS on all doors with keys. 



2-S 

Act III 
Scene :- 

Miss Slimmer 's Cottage,. A comfortalDly furnislied interior » 

At Rise: — Rose and Plorence discovered'-^ Florence is 
seated by fire-place, gazing into fire. Rose is' over at 
table sewing on a pillow slip, 

Florence 
And so Diclcy is coming back to-night. 

Rose 
Yes, so he writes, he's arranged all his financial 
affairs about his inheritance „ 

Florence 
He will be a very rich boy nowc 

Rose 
Yes, but I don't thihk it will change him a bit? 

Florence 
No, Dicjky is not one of the kind that Money changes. 

Rose } \ 

While we are on the subj ect/ Florence ^ I would suggest tha^ty^il 
ought not to call him "Dicljyc" j 

Florence 
Why not, he calles me "Flossie a" 

Rose 
Yes, ahem I (coughs,) I know, but you see someday 
he may be your uncle? 

Florence I 

(in dismay) My "uncle" v.'hy hoi:; is that? i 

Rose / I 

Spare me my blushes, please childo (stitches vigorously) 
Of course Dicky hasn't proposed to me yet, bulj I feel' , 
something is going to happen during his visit/ this \ 

time, 0^ course, I'll have to accept him, l \ 

Florence /) /' 

Accept him (bev/ildered,) Aunt Rose what on eaVth are /you 
talking about? "Why you are old enough to be Dicky's y^- 
mother. { 

Rose i 

What? What? Nothing of the kind. My heart is" still 
young. My experience has been limited, I have never 
been a flirt, but I can diagnose ny own case when I am affected, 
by wtat the j'rench call a "Grand passion," 

Florence 
And you think Dickj'- is affected also. 

Rose 
Y/hy not? Else, why should he return. Ah, my heart 
answers, it is because of me, his little Rose« You will ' 
understand nov/ Florence that when our marriage takes place 
how disrespectful and improper it v;ill be for you to cai:j. him 
anything but "Uncle Richard." 

Florence 
"Uncle Richard" Dicky? OhI f 

Rose 
There now. (Holding up pillow case.) In talking to you 
I've made a butch of this. This ?/ill neer do for you 
"Uncle's" bed, Never mind'. Dicky- shall have some I embroidered 
with my monologt;© , when I was going to Taa.rry the "Corn Doctor," 



3-S 

Florence 
Your gmnd passion for the "Corn Doctor" didn't turn out very 

well, did he? 

Rose 
Nol The perfidious wretch, I discovered that he had five wives 
already. He was a rascally remorseless, rapacious roue, 

Florence . 
You discovered his villainy in time? 

Rose 
Oh. yes, he "borrowed money of me, then stole ray spoons and ran 
off v/ith irrj'- servant girl, and married her^ I might have forgivBn 
the theft, tout I could never forgive his Jack of taste, 
However you must remember that most men are villains ^ Look 
at that horrible wretch who murdered your father, that John 
Hayv/ard, and there is Mary still crying her eyes out about 
htm. 

Florence 
Mary don't believe John is guilty, and neither do I„ 

Rose » 

Then why did he confess he was? 

2'lorence 
lie took the crime upon himself for her sake = To my mind 
he is a hero. 

Rose 
Well SLYiyway ^ he'd never treated me with respect, and I hope 
Mary will soon forget him. 

Florence 
She never will, and I shouldn't if I were in her place, I pray 
as she does that someday the mystery will be brough to light 
and John Ea.yma.rd Will uialk free among his fellow-men. I 
know too that Dicky feels the same way. 

Rose 
Don't call him # "Dicky," (Irritated) How often must I remind 
you that he is to be yoxw uncle Richard, Dicks'- indeed. How do 
you know how he feels. Drat it J Here it is seve^ o'clock, 
and I've neglected going to the store to give that groce ryman a 
piece of my mind. This comes of gossiping with you„ Nov/ as 
long as you live, Florenec remember— "Dicky " is cnly 
Dicky tto me, to you — he is "Uncle Richard," (exits L) 

Florence 
Yes, Aunt, (Florenece rises picks up photo of Dicky from 
mantel piece where it, rests against clock. She sinks into 
chair again holding photo., Dicky Bird enters R U E he carries 
a couple of suit cases, overcoat, cane, umbrella, ^olf 
sticks, shot gun ana other traps) 

(Looking at photo,) Oh, you dear old boy hov/ever can I call 
you Uncle. (Dicky starts about to drop bags, but lays down 
everything carefully and guiltily comes down softly 
behind her, looks over her shoulder, smiles as he recognizes 
his own photo) 

Florence 
What a noble brow, (Dicky throws out his chest, pushes hair 
back from forehead and pos es) 

Florence 
But alas, he has no brains. He makes a grand front but 
there is nothing behind. Poor misguided boyc I adore you. 
I don't care how foolish you are » (Kisses picture 
vigorously) 

Dicky- 
Hold up I Hold up I Don't waste those, I want 'em every one. 



4-S 

Florence 
Ah.1 (Rising with a little suppressed scream) 

Dic]^ 
Ho use in kissing ray picture when the original picture is here 
Oh Ploss, iFloss , CO Bie to your Dick's "bosom, (Grahs her and 
kisses her, she struggles and releases herself) 

Florence 
Don't-~-don't — stop. 

Dicky 
I don't intend to stop, (advances on her) 

Florence 
Oh, you must, (RT;inning away.) She — she is there „ (Pointings 
L) 

Dicky 
Iho is she? 

Florence 
Th© future Mrs Bird? 

Dicky 
What kind of a hird? 

Florence 
Mrs Bird- -(Pause.) My Aunt. 

Dicky 
She's an old bird. I don't know what you're driving at. What 
sort of a v/elcorae is this you are giving me? 

Florence 
Uncle Richard* 

Dicky 
Eh, what's that? 

Florence 
Uncle Richard, Welcome to our city. (Holds up hand with 
high society air) 

Dicky 
City? Oh Tanks » (takes her hand) 

Florence 
(Offended.) What do you mean "by "Tanks." 

Dicky 
When you call hurgha like this, . cities , I always say "Tanks" 
But what is this Uncle Richard gag? 

Florence 
If you marry my aunt, you will he my Uncle Richard won't 
you? 

Dicky 
Marry your aunt? Marry your grandmother? 

Florence 
Axmt Rose expects it* She says, that's why you are coming 
hack home? 

Dicky 
Oh she does, eh? 

Florence 
Your intentions, she takes for granted hy your 
attentions c^ 

Dicl^ 
(Grabs up baggage.) Whjat time does the next train leave 
town? 

Florence 
Where to? 

Dicky 
Anywhere? 

Florence 
What I Are you going to leave me? I mean us? 



5-S 

Dicky 
Uo, I'm going to take you with me? 

iPlorence 
Oh Dicky? 

Dicky 
Ch JlossyJ Come hurry up. Let's get a gait on, 

Florence 
I can't. 

Diclsy 
Do you want to "be my uncle, I mean, my niece- 

Florence 
ilever, 

Dicky 
Then let's chase. I tell you, I'm afraid of "Rose" 
She's a determined woman. She may make me marry her, she's 
of that kind , 

i'lorence 
Oh, what shall I do? 

Dicky 
Beat her to the game, inarry her. I mean marry me, yourself, 

Florence 
Oh Diclsy. 

Picky 
Hurry up. I'm going to give jovi the first chance » Say "YeSc" 
(Pulls her to him and kisses her, just then Rose enters, 
sees actions As Florence draws "back, she also catches sight of 
Rose glaring at her) 

Florence 
(stammers) Oh "Uncle Richard" you are so good> 

Dicky 
Uncle Richard again. Yi/hat the dev — 

Florence 
There is Aunt Rose, (Pointing L) 

Dicky 
Eh, Aimt Rose, (Turns.) Hello Axmt Rose, How dod you think 
you feel? (extends hands) 

Rose 
Sir? (Dicky staggers hackc) V/hat is the meaning of this 
extraordinary "behavior? 

Dicky 
Why I— 

Florence 
Dear Aunty, he v/as overjoyed at getting back, and ?/hen I 
called him as you told me "Uncle Richc'.rd" he kissed me ^ 

Ro ;j e 
Yes J I saw that , 

Florence 
Yes, he kissed me with an Uncle's kiss. 

Rose 
My Uncle never kissed me tha-l: way „ 

Diciy 
Prohaly he wasn't in my class, I mean he wasn't my kind 
of an Uncleo 

Rose 

Pro"baly not . 

Dicky 
Yes, you see my j oy at my return, I was excited and the 
news that I was an Uncle, 



6-S 

]?lorence 
yes, everytime I called him UUCLE he tried to kiss me. 

Dicky 
(aside) Traitress I 

Rose 
I don't see that you evince any j qy at seeing me, Mr. Bird? 

Dicier 
Joy I Why I'm tickled to death? 

Rose 
I have a little errand in the village, and the night is 
coming cai, prohaly you might give me your escort? 

Dicty 
I should "be delighted, hut in getting off the train, I 
sprained my hand and canH walk? 

Rose 
You needn't walk on your hands, Dicky. 

Dicky- 
Did I say hands, I meant, I sprained my uncle, I mean mry 
ankle, see, (walks around stage lankly) 

Rose 
But, I'm timid in the dark, when I'm alone? 

Di c ky . 

Carry -a lantern, and I'll swear you'll be safe.. 

Rose 
Never mind,, Plorence shall accompany moc 

Florence 
Now Auntyi 

Rose 
Go and get your hat? 

Florence 
But— 

Rose 
Go and get your hat . 

Dicky 
But I- feel timid myself when I am alone? 

Rose 
lary shall entertain, while we are gone. (Goes to steps 
and calls) Mary,L Mary. 

Mary 
(Outside) Y6S , Aunt Rose, 

Rose 

( 

Come Down Dicky Bird is here, JTlorence, go and get your 
hat, (plorence pouts and goes to steps exits passing 
Mary who enters) 

Ma ry 
I'm glad to see you iDack, Mr. Bird* 

Dicky 
(Forgets his lameness walks over briskly to here) 
Thank you Miss Mary? 

Rose 
Marvelous . 

Dicky 
Eh? 

Rose 
Your ankle is well , 

Dickjr 
"Why, of course, (suddenly remembers and walks lame again) 
No it isn't, (groans,) Oh! There's an awful twinge again. 
■Why did you remind me of it. It was cruel. Oh, Oh, Oh. 



7-S 

Mary 
¥/liy , wha 1 1 s the inat t er ? 

Rose 
Dicky has sprained his wrist, or his foot or his 
conscience, or something-— 

Dicker 
That's right, make fun of me. Oh Rose? What a sweet 
rose you'd "be if you had no thorns :, 

Rose 
Huraphc (Florence re-enters pinning on hat = ) Come Florence 
we will not he gone long. 

Dicky 
(has "been helped over to sofa hy Mars'" T^rhom he draws down 
"besides him.) Don't hurry on my account... 

Rose 
(angrily,) Come along Florence,, ( G-rahs Florence roughly "by 
wrist. They exuent RUE) 

Dicky 
Now Mary, tell me all the news? 

Mary 
7/ell- — Jack — (pauses) 

Dick^- 
Yes— 

Mary 
His trial comes off next week? 

Dicky 
Yes, I know, that's one of the reasons why I have hurried 
back, "We must do what we can to save him^ 

Mary 
Ah, you have always believed in his innocence ^ 

Dicky 
Yes, and I'm ready to "back that beliefe with ray money, of 
which, thank God,, I have a sock full now. I have thought 
of many plans the most sensible of which I think is to prove 
him insane , 

Mary 
"What I (Rising) 

Dic'ky 
Sit down and listen. You and I both know why he took your 
father's murder on himself „ 

Mary 
Yes, he feared I was in danger. 

Die kr 
So you were with that hayseed ju.ry-, B.nl if at this trial 
he goes before another dozen of boneheads, and they take 
his confession as tha,t of a sane man, they give him the 

limit which in this state is imprisonment for lif e e 
Now I have secured six or seven of the most prominent Alienists 
"..e have in the country who will swear that a man isa en or 
insane, whichever side they're retained upon. Through this 
expert testimony, we will prove Eohn Hayv/ard is a "Paranoicf)^ 
and send him to an asylimi, 

Mary 
He would never consent, 

Dicky 
He couldn't help himself, why those experts coula even 
prove that I was weak-minded, 

Mary 
llo, I dont doubt that, but — 

Dicky 
Hiiraphl AS a said to Flossie a little ?;hile ago, Tanks, 



8~S 

Mary 
Have you. Siny suspicions as to wlao reallji murdered 
my fa the r ? 

Dicky 
2 can*t say tliat I suspect any particular person, "by the 
■way, how is Screwby? 

Mary 
The .report around the toiim, is that he is losing his mind„ 
He is spending money right and left, hints at being a Rockerfelle 
or some other king of f inane e <, He has already mortgaged our 
house, which he "bought in at the foreclosure sale o 

Dlc'ky 
Oh, I know that c 

I^ary 
You? 

Dicky 
Ye©. (The honk tonk and noise of an auto heard outside 
comes to a sudden stop) 

• Mary 
"Who can that "be? 

Dicky 
(Goes to virindow R.) It's an autocar and it's stopped here c 
Well — ^well — well— ralk of the devil, 

Screw"by 
(outsidOo) Mary Haynes . Mary Haynes „ Are you there., 

Mar y 
(goes to v/inaow L.) Yes, what is it? 

S cr ew'by 
I saw your aunt and sister passing down the street 
are you all alone? ^ 

Mary 
(hesitates^) Why--(pausing) 

Dicky 
Say "Yes" I'm no'body. 

Mary 
Yes. 

Sc rev/by 
All right c We are coming in? 

Dickj;- 
We? 

Mary 
There- is someone with him. Who can it "be ? (Goes to door 
R U E<, John enters Scr ew'by following) * 

Ma.ry 
(screams) johnl Johnl Yonl (Business they em"brace) 
Oh John, heaven is merciful ycu are free? 

John., 
As far as a figutive from the law can "be, T„/raryc. Mr„ Screw"by 
here has aided my escape = Hia auto car "broke down outside 
and I insisted on seeing you. Mr„- Birdc (saluting Dicky) 

Dicky 
I fear you've done a Yery foolish thing Mr„ HayTirard,, You've 
rather crippled the defense I planned for yoUr We were going to 
prove you a lunatic, and have you sent to an asylum? 

John 
Tfeank you. That's very kind of you? 

Scr ew'by 
He ain't no lunatic, he knows more a"bout mines than any man 
in this state. He's going to work for me. I get him cheap 
cause he's a fugative, from justice, and I need him in my 
"business, 

John , 
A fugitive from injustice, Mr, Screw"by, though, I thank 
you just the same, But we must "be on our way, 
(Mary cliggs to him,) 



9-S - ■ 

Sc r esr'bi'- 
I'm glad you're baiEk Dicliy, and i hope you and I are friends 
because I heard that you've corae into a lot of money and 
I need it in nrjr business» .. ^ 

Dic]^ 
What is jour business, you danmed old spendthrift. 

Screwby , 
Discoverer of gold mines<, I'm the hay to find them. 
I find gold where no one thinks of fidning it. Say, v/hat do you 
think of that? (produces a lump of coal.) Look at that, aiid 
then look at me, and tell me if you see a j^ellow streak, 

Dicky 
I know all about the yellow streak in you, Screv/by? 
It's a broad one, but this lump of coal» (Looks at it.) By George 
tha t's funny. (Loud knock on door RUE which j^sCry has 
fastened) 

Blossom. 
(outside.) Open in the name of the lav/. Open I say 
or I'll break in the door^ 

Dicky 
(To John) Up stairs. Quick. (Pushes John off L U E 
locks door after him puts key in ipoc'kBt) 

Blossom * 

Open I say (Hamirering on door) 

TTicky 
It's Blossom, let him in. (T.^ary unlocks doar Blossom with 
drawn pistol and followed by Middle-ton© enters RUE) 

Blossom. 
(Looks around) Where is he? Where is he? 

Dicky 
Where is who? 

Blossom 
John Hay^uard, 

Dicky 
( Innocent ly . ) I don ' t knww? 

in Blossom, 

He was„your gasoline biiggy, Screwby c This man seen him, give 

him up. Give him up, or I'll arrest you as his accomplish^ 
(Screwby ducks behind table) 

Sc-rewby 
Don't be so careless with that gun, Jerry» jf it goes off 
you may shoot me, and I have big prsopacts. 

Blossom, 
I don't keerl You helped him to break jail, and I'm going to 
have him dead or alive. (Runs off L 2 E) 

Screwby 
(To Miadleton.) You measly skunk. You put Blossom up to 
this, because I fired you out of my get-rich-quick scheme. 
You swindler, Youyou — 

Blossom^ 
) re-enters.) He's not in Rose Summers room, Maybe he's up 
stairs, (Goes to door L U E up steps.) Why the door is 
locked, , 

Dicky 
Yes, I generally keep it so. 

Blossom 
You? 



lO-S 

Diclcy 
Yes, it's my portion of the iiouse? 



¥h.ere is the key? 
In ray pocket? 



Blossom 
Dickx'- 



Blossom 
Di ciiy 

Blossom 



You give that key to me , 
You go to HELL^ 

Then I'll hust in the doorc 

Dicky 
You try it ajid I'll bust in your face, (Picks upshot 
gun quickly,) You and I are going to talk on equal terms = 
Have you a search u-arrant? 

Blossom 
I don*t need none^, 

Dick 
I have six loads in this pump gun that say you do^ Now I'ra 
speaking for go ode If John Hayward isn't there you'll 
lose your j oh sure, hut if he is there and you force that door, 
you'll lose j'-our life, hecause he comes from a country vjhere 
they have no compxinction in killing a tv;o legged rat like 
you, then we have in poisoning the four legged ones = 

MiQdleton 
You wait here, Blossom, and stajr on guard while I go for 
help, (exits door R u ^) 

Blossom 
Oh, I'm a good watch dog all rights 

Dicky 
Blossom, j'-ou talk: like a Viener Wurst, livhat's the iratterwith 



Sere why 



your car, Screwhy? 

Slipped a nut, I think? 

Dicky 
I'll go take a look at it « I'm the kandy kid when it comes to 
"cars" (Opens hagand takes out electric lantern.) Hary^ you 
shall hold the light „ Here Screwhy <> (Pulls out hottle of whisky 
frtsn hag,) Have a drink on me , while I'm gone, (Screwhy 
takes nottle.) K^ep an eye on Blost^om there, and see that he 
don't steal the spoons) Come Mary, (Exuent Dicker and Mary 
R. U. Ej- Business, Screwhy looks at "bottle removes cork smells 
hottle, smiles in gratification, goes up to siae-hoard and gets 
glass* Blossom watches him closely Screwhy comes aovm to 
table sits right of same, pours out drink hig arink 
all this is done ve r^^- deliberately,- He is about to take a 
drink when Blossom Vi/alks over touches him on .s^houlder 
with left hand, hoi as pistol in right carelessly 
pointed at Screwhy, Screwhy trembles and lays uwjn glass) 

Screwhy 
Say don't point that thing at me, you make me nervous <, 

Blossom 
You voted the prohibition ticket last election<, 

Scr ewbj'- 
Yes a 

Blossom, 
I didn't, but as an old friend, I can't suffer you to go back 
on your party, (Lifts Screwhy out of chair" pushes him down in 
front of table, talses Screv/by's drink, and takes Screwby's 
seat o ) Ahl Thatis good stuffy 



I2-S 

Screv/lDy 
(L of table J Don't I get an^;- of it? 

Blossom 
Get yourself another glass- (Screw"by goes up to dresser gets 
another glass, cories dov/n Taack of table, Elossora lays oovn 
pistol brushes off pillov; case from table » Screwby picks 
it up looking at it., Blossora pours himself out another 
drink, as he is about to raise it to his lips, Screwby quickly 
pulls pillYsn,/ case over bloasom head and shoulaer, pioning 
his arm to sides, then as Blossora struggles to /his feet 
he grabs him from behind and boots him off L 2 E into 
Rose'o room shuts the door and locks it leaving the key in 
the door » Blossom beats on door outsiae) 

Blossom 
(out si dec) Let me out.. Let me out o 

Screwbj'- 
Shut pu that noise, or I'll shoot you through the panels 
(re-enter Dicky and Tmry) 

Dicier 
You car is all right, ^.here's Blossom? 

Screwby 
Lodked in Rose Summer's room? 

Dicky 
Good, How to get ^y^aard away, while there is time. 
(Riins up steps L* U« E . unlocks door at back„) John, Quicks 
ira-ke you get a^,ra.y while you can,, (Jolin enters hastily) 

John, 
God bless you Earyc Good-bye for a time, (embraces Eary) 

irary 
Go a watch over you Johriv 

Screwby 
Hurry, Hurry, (exits RUE John follows „ i/rary goes to window) 
looking out J noise of automobile and horn heard growing 
fainter and fainter) 

Dicky 
(Goes over to table, picks up bottle and about to take a drink 
sees Blossom's revolver picks it up la^^ing dov/n bottle) 
Blossom gion , I wonoer how old Tight "Wad managed it, (struck 
with suduen though^) Screwby' s lump of coal, (takes it from 
pocket, examines it,) It looks like gold all right, Where on 
earth could he have found this? 

Rose 
(outside,) Well, it's funny ^ whoever they were that they 
aidn't stopc (enters with Florence) Hows your ankle, Dicky 
Say, didn^t I see an automobile leaving here? 

Bick^^ 
It is likely you did/ 

Rose 
Who was in it? (Pause, looks at M^ry Vifho remains silent 
then to Dictj'-^) Don't I smell whiskey? 

Dicky 
It is 3)ikely you do, I- certainly sirell the avifful stuff, 
(In disgust,) Horrible, Horrible <.- (smells bottle puts 
it back on table) 

Rose 
How did it come here? 

Dicky 
YoLir visitors left it? 

Rose 
Jjjr visitors? 

Dicki'- 
Yes, those creatures who v/ ere in the automobile.. Oh Rose, 
Rose, Rose, Who would ever think it ^ "Who would ever think it, 
(sinks in seat covers his face with his hands) . 



I3-S 

Dicker 
Ylhy, v/lTat ' s the matter Dicky? 

Dickj/- 
Don't ask rasj Rose, don't ask rae? 

- Rose 
Does your ankle hurt yovL7 

Dick^'- 
It's not my ankle^ It's lajr heart j my heart? 

Rose 
And I am 1 h lame , 

Dickj'' i 

UOj I don't blame you, "but I am hurt,. I am hurt. 

Rose 
(Looks at him puzzled then turns to liary and Florence) 
I wish 3'-ou two girls would leave me alone v/ith Dicky ^ Can't you 
see that two is comparer and four is a moh. jie has soraetiiing to 
say to rae , 

Mary- 
Come Florence, (Tiar^r and 5'lorence exuent up stairs L U ■r-) 

Rose 
Eow Dicker J \i„B are alone,. Tell you little Rosey wtet'e the 
matter. a Please hoy, pleas e^ 

Dicky 
So far and yet so false, Avray « Away perfidious woman, 
I never can trust you again, Hever^ ITever, (jumps up 
crosses R Rose clings to his coat tails o^ 

Rose 
V/hat have I done? 

Dicky 
What have you done, wha.t have you done, I know all — all^ 

Rose 
All what? 

Dickj)- 
They did not think to find me here to-night. 

Rose 
"Who? Who? 

Dicker 
Your vi sisters? 

Rose 
I ask you again who are they? 

Dicky 
I hate to call their loat.-.some names, now that you prefer 
them t me c 

Rose 
But I don'te "Who are they? 

Dicky 
Screv/hy for one? 

Rose 
What, the old devil, lid a scalded him if I'd "been here 
who else? 

Dicky 
BlossQra, and Middle ton „ 

Rose 
Eloss an, and he came here, he tad the gall,, 

Dicky 
He is here now? 

Rose 
"Wliat? Where? "\i'fliere? 

Dickj'-' 
In your hed room, Maaamel in your "bed room. He's gone in 
the re to take a nap = 



I4-S 

Rose 
(screams) Y/hat? 

Eicky 
He claiiras he has perfect right, he defied rae , I couldn't handj"- 
words with the rum soaked ruffian , He is now enconsed in the 
scared precincts- of your boudoir,, which I al\o'ays regarded 
as a -holy tanpie. Oh RoseJ parewellj j'arev/ell, I can never 
trust 3'OU more. 

Rose 
Oh you're wrong, Dick, wrong? 

Dick/ 
(croTSing L.) Y,/rong? Wrong? There is his hat, (Picks vcp hat 
frcan chair.) There is the weapon with v/hich he threatened me 
as his hated rival', and if you Tizant more proofs, "behold them 
in the iran himself, (unlocks door. Blossom enters and 
sees Rose, stands aghast) 

Rose 
(Hysterically . V You vi^liani You scoundrel, you'll try to 
ruin my character will you? (Rushes for Blosscm who dodges uncer 
her ana going right) 

Elossom 
Stop heri Hold herl. Hold herT 

Rose 
You'll sneak into my TDedroom, will you to take a nap. I'll put 
you to sleep forever, (Picks up pistol commences furing 
Blosscm t kes a flying leap through window, glass crash 
she chases to window, Middleton enters door RUE) 

Middle ton, 
V/hat are you about? (Rose turns ana shoots at him he dodges 
out, Mary and ]?lorence enters screaTiing, Rose has hysterica^' 
fit in chair screardLng, "beating her feet on stage. Mary 
endeavoring to hold her) 

Florence 
Oh Diclgr, Dicky. 

Dicky 
Kiss your Uncle Richard.,. Florence, Kiss him* Kiss him. 
Kiss him, (I?ifts up 3'lorence, kisses her as cutain descends) 

CURTAIL 

tr TT TT V TT TT TT 

2hd Picture:- 

Rose is still in hysterics, 

lla-ry 
Oh, what shall we do for her? 

Dicker 
(hands "bottle.) Give her some of this* That»s all I can do,. 
(Hugs florence again, Mary holding "bottle in despair 
Rose screaming.) 

C U R T A I IT 

II II "it II II "ir "TT 11 



I-S 

ACT IV « 

SCRIJE: — Set the same as Act 1st ^ Except one of the 

"and iron" is gone. Picture at the back hangs h;^ one wire, 

and there is a box of matches with the heads all "biArned off, a bo 

-uquet of flowers in vase o n mantel, all withered and scorched 

coal scuttle is off right reaay for Screwby to carry on) 

(Clock is not going on mantel, the hands point to eight 

o'clock, Tv.'0 flov/er pots vi'ith plants in C vifindow) 

At Rise: — Screwby i& standing C John Hwjard is seated L» 

of table) 

8cr eiii/by 
And 3rou mean to tell me that gold is never found in a coal 
mine ? 

John 
ITever in m^ experience. Gold is the most universal of metals 
and after all the least of utility. You can't make tools of it 
it's too soft. It's onl3'- useful in the aecorative arts^ It's 
indestructible, it has the value, 

Screwb;,' 
And you tell me to ray teeth, it t s not found in coal mines, 

John, 
Oh it might be found anywhere. They say it's in the vater of 
the sea, but the expense of extracting it v/oula haraly be 
profitable, and perhaps it's just as well, for if it would be 
easily and cheaply produced, it would soon lose it's purchasing 
value, according to the ratio of it's abunoance, Pood products 
would go up in price. The useful metals would increase 
in value. There would be a catachysm in the finances of the 
v/orld, everything would be in chaos, but to return to the coal, 
why ao you think it is found in coal? (Knocks at door) 

Screwbj'- 
Hush, pack to your hiding place, quick. (Goes to L U E) 
John exits R) 

Screwby 
imo is it? 

Dicky 
(outside.) it is I. Dicky Lird, Open the aoor, quick, 

Screwby 
(Opens door, Dicky and Florence enter) 

Scr ewby 
Yihat ' 3 this, '^^h.j I thought you were alone? 

Dicky 
Uo Screv/by not alone, never no more. lehold in this lady 
Jirs Dickj^ Bird who is to be as fast as :e can get a clergy 
man to make us one. 

Screwby 
Y/hat? 

Licks'- 
Behold in us two loving hearts who have runned av.ay? 

Screwby 
■Sneloperaent .. 

Dicky 
Yes, Florence is going to save me from Rose. 

Florence 
Dicker _ Dicky how ^'■ou go on? 

Dickj/- 
You know Rose wants to marrj'- me, and she's a determined 
woman e Screwby, is your phone working, I vjant to call up 
the reverand Mr. Dubey, 



2~S 

Screv/TDy 
Yes, "but I alvmys cmrge a nickel when an outsider uses ray 
phone '.■ 

lAc'kv 
(pee Is in pocket and pulls out "b^lls,) Flossie give Screv/bjr 
a nickel please „ (i'lorence roaches in bag and gives Screwby 
a coin v/hich he examines carefully and then puts 
in pocket c Dicky rings up phone ) 

licky 
Hello, Hello.- Yes, Central, give me- l^octor iJuhy, will you, 
yes, 4»II — 44, Hello, Hello, (pause,) is that you Doctor 
Duhey, yeSo V/ell this is Dicic7 Ei rd talking. I vi/ant to get 
marriedj v/hat's that. I saia I Y/ant to get raarried. Oh, I'm so 
foolish am I? Well come oyer to the olci Hayne s place at 
once eill you? Si Screwbj'" is living near here, now,. 
Yes, ¥i?hat , yo\x were going to go to hed. ITonsense, aon't go to 
"bed imless you have nothing else to do, Whay, you're sleepy? 
ITever mind," come anyv;a;r. Thank you. Thank you, (hangs up phone) 
He says he's sleepy? 

Screwby 
Oh Duhey's always sleepy. Say, you've got ray lump of coal., 

Dicky 
Oh yes, here it is, (Produces it from pcoekt) Where did you 
get it? 

Screwby 
Aha c (knowingly „) That's the secret. How would you like to come 
in on good ground floor, I need a hundred thousand dollars, 
and then I'll have millions — >raillions„ 

Dicky- 
So, they've trimmed you at last, eh^ I thought they would 
ah, poor Screwby? 

Screwby 
Trirarned me4 Mel Ah\ Ha, ha, ha, 

Dicky 
Where has all your money gone? 

Screwb3r 
Invested ray hoy — invested-- 

DiclQr 
In what? 

ScreviTby 
In the rainos, where this came from., Do you see those yellow 
streaks, it is gold. Gold, Gold, (Holding up lump of coal) 

Dicij'- 
I 'm an expert , 

Screwby 
Ah, but John Hyward is, he says it's gpld. Look at those 
■veias, look at ' era I say.^ They stretch through the i^hole 
lurap,v/h37- that speciirjan alone, would assay a thousand dollars 
a t on , 

■Dicky 
And you have mortgaged this house to get the money, to pursue 
this will of the ¥i/hisp--this dream, 

Scr ew^by 
Hov; do you know, I've mortgaged this house,. 

Dicky 
A little bird told me. Say, v/hat have you aone with Hay ¥/ard? 

Screvi/by 
(layst eriously J HushI He ' s not far off, I start him to-night 
to West Virginia, 

Dicky 
West Virginia? 

Screwby. 



3-S 

ScreY/by 
Yes, where this comes from., The railroad has a"bandoned. the 
spur to ray mines and I vuant you to invest some of the money 
you have inherited, to help me force them to ree stablish 
the serviced 

L'iGlcj'' 
Screwby, you'll "be in a padded cell shortly, if you don't get 
2hep" to yourself. Let me see Hayv/ard c (Screwby 
impatiently points to Florence) 

Dicky 
Yi/'hat are you pointing at Tlorence for,; Don't you trust her 
(;frnock on door L U E^) Ah, perhaps that's the clergyman, 

5'lorence 
Oh. Dicky — I — I want to go home, I ant to go horaeo 

Dickj'- 
Your home is here, Honeybunch on your hubby's manly chest 
(Draws her toh.im) 

Screwby 
Oh Slush, (knock again) 

Ii[iddleton. 
(outside) You'd better open this door. Screv/by if you know 

v/hat's good for you, 

Screwby 
It's the "con" man, Middleton„ 

Dicky 
Let him in, 

Screv/by 
But — 

Dicky 
Let liim in » 

• Screvi/by 
But he will try to extort money from me „ 

Dicker 
|,eafl Mm on to do it, give it to him. And Plossie and I will 
vjltness the operation, and we will send him up for blackmail 

Screwby 
But I haven't any money in the house c 

Dicky 
I'll lend you some here, (hands him some bills c ) There's a 
couple of himdred, Flossie and I will hide in here, (Puts his 
arm around her and leads her off R door. They exuent) 

Scre\7by„ 
((ji-Tjimbling, ) Damn it all. Damn it „ Damn it „ Damn it c 

Middle ton. 
You'd better hurry up in there, 

Screwby 
(Goes to door L U E opens it Middleton and Blossom enter) 

Middle tone 
Are you alone, (crosses over R) 

Scre?/by 
(C) No, I mean ye s ». 

Blossom, 
(l) I heered you a talkin' in here, 

Screwby 
I v/as talking to myself. 

Blossom 
nj heered you "damning somebody, 

Screwby 
I ¥/as saying my prayers, WMt do you fellovifs \^nt? 

Elossom= 
We want to get even me especially. In the first place, v-tat 
you aid to me to-night? 



4-S 

Screv/ty 
I didn't do a thing to you to-night. 

Blossom 
(L) V/ell, I'm going to beat you up for it, so look out, 
(squaring off) 

Middle ton. 
(R) Hold up you idiot o ¥e are not here fot any such fool 
v/ork There's only one way to get "back at this loan, and 
that is touch his pocket c 

Sere why 
How well you know rae -, 

iSiddletonc 
How I know all ah out your scheme atoout getting Jack Hyv^ard 
off in orderto utilize his mining talents in West 
Virginia, I am satisfied tliat it was he who was in the auto 
'car vj'ith you to-night, Iffor all I knov/, you may have been 
secreted somewhere aroiind here nowo Y ou have placed yourself 
in peril of the law, Screwby? 

Sloss ama 
That ain't no lie. 

Middle ton. 
And there's only one way for you to s qiiarey ours elf , and 
that is — come across, (HoJds out hand) 

Blossom, 
Yes, come across .two timeSw I'm in on th§s , 

Bcrewby 
And suppose, I don't ccme across o 

Slossomo 
If you don, you'll sleep in the cage to-night, and Jack 
Hy^«ard vi/ill not got to West Virginia." 

Screwby , 
And if I do come across. 

Blossom^. 
Y/e will forget everything that happened. I will be deaf-dianb 
and blind him and Hayi^iard as far as I am concerned can go to — 
well, I don't care where he goes,. 

Screwby 
What's your idea of coming across, (They look a''- each other) 

Middle ton „ 
Well, I knov/ that you never have much cash, and I guess you're 
prettj/- nearly all in now, save you split five h-undred 
between us, and we'll keep rnxxmc 

Screwby o 
Eive-f-f-f-five hundred. 

Middle ton. 
Yes, there's nothing more for me in ■'zh.z.s, burgh, and I want a 
stake to go elsewhere. 

Screwby 
Pive hundred. Let me see, *hat means tv/o dollars and 
a half a piece doesn't it. 

Middle tone 
Ah, talk sense, 

Screwby 
That's what I'm doing— five hundred cents is two dollars and 
fifty cents a piece. I havenH much money as you say, about 
mE. I'll go a little bit better though, I'll give you three 
dollars a piece, that's more tlB,n either of you ever made in a 
day, honestly., (reaches in pockety Middleton and Blossom 
grab him one on each side) 

Middleton, 
(R) Give us all you have in your clothes, (B usiness they 
go through him) 



5"S 

ScrewlDy 
(C) Ro'b'berB, RoTolDers. 

Blossom^ 
(j) Shut up, or I'll hand you one c 

Dicky 
(entering gets "between Blossom and Screwby„) jf you do 
Bios scan, I'll hand you two? 

Blosscan and Middleton, 
Diciy BirdI 

Dicliy 
Yes, and the witness to your To^cimail and rohbery. 

Middle ton. 
(Down R.) You'll never live to tell it « (Draws "black Jack) 

J ohn . 
(enters comes down R sei zes Middleton by wrist twists black 
jack out of his hand throvirs him dovifn R.) Oh yes he will. 
Drop your thugs, weapon. Drop it „ 

Blossomi 
jack Hajnji/ard? 

John, 
Yes, I am a witness alsOc "^Je caught you with the goods, 

Middletono 
You almost convicted murderer, your testimoney will haveno 
value . 

iB'lorence 
(enters.) But mine will, Edv/ard Middleton, and I'll testify to 
the limit . 

Dicker 
Hooray piossiOc Come and kiss your uncle, I mean your Dicky? 

i'lorence 
Dear Dicky (embraces him) 

blossom. 
Jack Hayvifard, I arrest you, you are my prisone:^c 

Dicky 
Too late Blossom, jack is going to give himself up to the 
chief ff police and stand his trial, but first he has some 
important business to attend to. j'lossy phone over to your 
sister Ma-ry and have her come here at once, 

Florence 
(Runs down to phone, rings up.) Hello Central, Give me 177 
Miss Summers, Yes, (paiise.) Hello, Hello. ¥%o's at the 
phone? Is that you f.^ary- Yes, this is Florence, Come over to 
our old home at once, jack is here, wauit to see you. At once. 
( Ha ngs up re ce ive r ) 

Screwby 
That wil 1 be another nickel., (i'lorence pays him business 
as before.) Look a here Dicky, I don't thank you for butting 
into;Tn business a darned bit Here you've been a coaxing 
Hayward to go back and acknowledidn' himaelf to be a malefactor 
jest becaiise you think y u and your doctors and lawyers 
can prove him oae of them lunatics „ That the law calls 
pyrotechnics, and I need his talent in my business. 

I'ickj'- 
Your business is your gola uream? 

Screwby 
Gold Dream. Gold Hell. It ain't no dream^ 

Dickj- 
That one LITTLE specimen you showed me, 

Screwby 
I've got more of them, \\iiiy I've got a peck and a half, 
I'll show 'em to you, you derned idiot, you just wait, 
(Rushes off Right door) 



6-3 



Dicky 



Joirn, is gold ever foimd in corabination with coal? 
., ^ John, 

^ 44irSSiini-l F-- -""-^ ^^^^^^ 

yard! sea-water contains five cents to every cubic 



(Hothing Omitt ed) 



1-E 

I have often wondered at the limited use of gold in the arts 
and manufactures and it has always seemed strange that the 
entire financial systems of the v/orlds greatest countries ^is 
founded on a metal of which the only practical use, we ma£e 
is to' gild picture frames and fill teethe 

Dicky 
You infer then that if all this gold hy new discoveries of 
working and chemistry can he extracted at a profit. 

John 
\1/hen that time comes 5 gold will be so cheapmand other commodi- 
ties so dear, a hushel of wheat will coast ahout a thousand 
dollars. 

Screv/by 
(Re-enters v/ith coal scuttle) Look at this? Look at this, ajia! 
And I own the mine this came from. 

Dicky 
Where did you get it, si? 

Screwby 
I bougjit it when I bought this house with it^s contenty, 

Florence 
"Why that^s oxir coal-scuttle, 

Screwby 
Was, young womans Was, It's my coal scuttle now. Aha! Just 
look at me and watch me gloat. I'm the richest man in the 
world. The richest man in tlae wcrldl 

Dicky 
(Pause) poor screwbyj ?oor old Scout; I'm sorry for you-so-s© 
sorry. You have accomp:j.ishdd one good thing though, you have 
found the murderer of Pelhajn Haynes^ 

Omnes 
What? (Middleton makes a rush for the window C.) (John 
attempts to stop him) 

Dicky 
Let that poor picayune pikergo John, he is not the murderer. 
G-o along with you. Get out^ You, Blossom stay. (As BIsssoel 
attempts to follow Midleton6 (Middleton exits window C„ Knock 
on doir L.U.E, ) 

Dicky 
That may be the reverand doctor Duby, Plossie^ Let him in^ 
(Florence goes to door; L.U.E,) 

Screwby 
(Holding scuttle) Zicky BirdI I must say, youJre taking a lot 
of liberty in my house. 

Dicky 
It won't be your house long, Screwby. You know it is mortgaged , 

Sc rewby 
Yes, I know but how the devil do you know? (Enter Mary and 
Rose L.U.E. ) 

Dicky 
I hold the mortgage that?s v/hy. \i/hen I heard you were be- 
having like a lunatic, and throwing away your money, I thought 
I v/ould seize the opportunity to see that the daughters of 
Pelham Haynes would come into their own, thatlfs all, 

Screv/by 
Lunatic! Ha! Hal. Ha' (Holds up scuttle) Look at them 
nuggets. ?/hc's looney nov/? Ha^ Haf HaJ 

Rose 
Gibbering Gorilla] 

Florence 
Kry, DgJc says the assassin of Father is discovered. 

Blossom 
Well who ever it is, we had better set about arresting him,, or 
her as the case may be. (Produces handcjiffs) 



2-3 



Rose 
You "shet" up J CBlosscm shrinks) Let Dicky talk^ 

"Dicky 
The assassin entered through that window. Come here. Mary! 
Do you see these two flower pots? (Takes T^ary to C. ) I-^ thi3 
one (Taking up one on L. ) The leaves are fresh and gre-n. The 
flower is iDlooming, In this one^ nothing hut a withere(4 stuirp 
remains . 

Ifery 
It was my "beautiful geranium. 

Dicky 
Ah the assassin in his work of death played some strange mad 
prsmks. He thought it was not enough ta murder. That is not 
damage enough. The picture on the wall attracts hi:^!^ so he 
severs one half the wire that holds it on one side^ curling 
v/hat is left around the nail, that I s which holds up the 
picture and then carries it, the severed piece.5 where does h© 
carry it? (Goes overto fire-place) He carries it over to this 
"Abd-iron" and wraps it around it» Then he stops the clock 
en the mantelj and eight o'clock. See the hour Mr, Haynes met 
his. deatll. 

Rose 
How did he stop the clock? 

Dicky 
He "magnetized" it, Rose. 

Rose 
Who ever heard of such a thing? That^s as rediculous as to 
tell a lady she could stop a clock "by looking at it. 

Blossom 
I've met such a lady, "but say this here wire has not "been cuty 
it»s welded right on to this and-xrcn, the ends look as if they 
had "been melted, 

Dicky 



Blossom 



They were melted. 

By whom? 

Dicky 
The assassin, who just "burned the heads off all the matches 
in the "box, v/ho withered and scorched all the flowers in this 
"bouquet. "Who hurled lir^ Haynes so that he fell with his head 
on the other "andiron" and made his escape up the chimney^ 

Blossom 
■viHaat are you giving us? I should like to see any ro"b"ber or 
assassin who could do that." 

Dicky 
You shall see him in the mooing clouds. His time for ^vork is 
in the tempest and his mission is swift sure and terrible- 

/ Omnes 

Hi s name * Hi s name \ 

Dicky 
It is the lightning. 

Omnes 
Thelightening? 

Dicky 
The lightning. That night when we shuddered at the thunder. ' 
His v/ork was accomplished. jn the txirning of a thought, this 
murderer came and was gone. Mark his footsteps! See, one plant 
shriveled! The other spared^ His sword of five cut the wire 
from the picture and wrapped it aroimd the fire irons,. The 
clock I have menti'oned, the matches. Mr„ Haynes death and 
there is one thing more. Is there a hole in the bottom of 
that sou ttle Screwbyf 

Mary 
And the diamonds in the locket? 



3"B 

Dicliy 
They returned to their original carhon, 

Mary 
God Bless you, Mr, Birdi God hless you, John! They will 
free you, (Emhracing him) Theyhwill free you, I thank Heaven, 
I'm spared the thought that -gather >s hlood is on any living 
creature! s s&ul. Florences (Mary releases herself from John, 
the twff. young girls sob in each other's arms) 

Screwhy 
And there ain't no mere gold where this came from, 

John 
I fear not, Mr. Screwbyo 

Screvirby 
Well, I call this damned low down mean of you Dicky with your 
thunder and lightning, (Gae-esover, extreme R. with coal 
scuttle on knees, looking sadly into it) (Knock on door) 
Blossam goes up discloses Reverand Mr, Duhy. 

Blossom 
It's the parson, Si, Mr, Duhey] 

Screwby 
(Growls) Tell him tw go to-- to them as wants him^ I don't, 

Di cky 
Welcome Dr. Dubey. (Goes to him takes hand) ]>-aryJ JohnJ 
Rosei Florence and I are going to be narried, 

Omne s 
When? 

Dicky 
Right now, and if you'lltkke my advice John and Mary, we'll 
make a double wedding. 

Rose 
But where do I come in? 

Dicky 
Go and comfort Screv/by. 

Rose 
Si] (Approaching him) 

Screwby 
Go away. I've been struck by lightning already, (Looks in 
scuttle; 

CURTAIH 



Florence and Dicky together. John and Mary R,C. Dubey up at 
back. Blossom L. ) 



SEP J8 !»»> 



i 



